In my dream last night, I caught Angelina Jolie trying to swipe my pink wallet in order to steal my identity. I played it real cool and acted as if she had merely *found* my wallet to which she replied with disconcerting nonchalance, saying, “Oh yes, here it is.”

When I woke up, I thought, why the hell would she want *my* identity? I think it’s safe to say that she makes more than you and me combined.

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