If I were to wear a t-shirt, I’d want it to say:

1. Large and in charge

2. I wear the pants in this family, the maternity pants

3. I have more gas than a Chevron station

Today on the bus, I heard this guy talk on his cellphone about how he was depressed that the guys at his work never invite him to lunch. I wanted to tell him to shut up because that’s no reason to be depressed. I can’t see my feet. That’s genuine sadness, my friend. I once watched a show about a woman who was so fat that she broke the scale at her doctor’s office and had to be weighed next to the freeway where 18-wheel-trucks go to make sure their load isn’t too heavy. I bet you she couldn’t see her feet, either.

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