Frankly Shakira, I don’t feel comfortable reading the signs of your body

Poor Odawni. I forced her to emerge from her jet-lag-induced slumber so I could have a night out and be a normal alcohol-imbibing adult again. When Mike offered to babysit Nathan and give me the night off, I was so giddy that I didn’t so much apply my make-up as run face first into it.

Odawni had slept through my crazy-woman phone calls and attempts to ring her apartment, leaving me to think that she had already headed to Bleu Bistro. While waiting outside, three guys walked through the door and one of them said to me, “Giiirrrl, do you need to get inside?”

I hung up my phone and squealed, “Oh my God yes! Thank you!”

“Well, get inside giiirl!” He ushered me in and I thought, I love gay men! What unassuming trust! What kindness! To all gay men in Seattle, if you address me by saying, “Giiirrrl” in a sassy tone, I will give you a dollar and pinch your cheeks. If you can do some sort of head shake with that, I’ll give you a dollar fifty, two bucks tops.

Once inside, I realized the doors did not have numbers on them and I did not remember what floor she was on. Great, I thought. Now I’m stuck in a building in a fruitless search for my friend. I look like a crazy person.

In thinking that she had headed over to Bleu Bistro while I was vulturing the neighborhood for an open parking spot, I walked there by my lonesome. The lighting inside the bar was so dim that it reminded me of how an ex described my hair, “It’s so dark that when you close your eyes and open your eyes, it’s like you’re still closing your eyes.” It was a very swank yet crowded spot littered with votive candles and Capital Hill trendiness. I sat at the L-shaped bar, nursing a jack and coke when I spotted people to my right moving behind a curtain. I realized that that was their table and that they were eating in that fireplace-sized hole. Why didn’t I think of that when I was like 12? I could have opened up a restaurant in my bedroom and served the only dishes I perfected, namely buttered toast, cereal and soba. My customers would have been other twelve-year-olds and college freshmen.

I need to get out more. Drinks anyone?

Odawni and I

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