Last night when I entered my son’s baptismal class, I was greeted by ten disapproving faces. I was late. It was bad enough that carrying my son in his gargantuan car seat plus lugging the stupid choo-choo train diaper bag made me walk lopsided. The nun who had called me to confirm my attendance gave me the wrong time and there I was standing like an idiot with a group of people giving me the, “This rickety plastic folding chair next to me is taken, woman!” face.
I had arrived in time for class to break up into two groups. It became clear to me that I was grouped with the woman who was set on becoming valedictorian of the baptismal class. We were given a series of questions, the first asking what baptism meant to us. The round began with me saying, “It’s the first sacrament and it starts off the child’s relationship with the church.” Then the Baptismal Class President chimed in, “AND WITH GOD!” As we went through the list, she would continue to butt in with textbook answers, correcting people and finishing their sentences.
When we returned to our regular seating, the nun asked the woman what baptism means to her and she replied, “It’s the first sacrament and it starts off the child’s relationship with the church.” Then with her fangs exposed, she stabbed the air with the words, “AND WITH GOD.”
She totally jacked my answer! I really wanted to tell her to get off her Huffy Bike. I don’t remember the book of “I’m Better Than You” being in the Bible. When we filed out of the room, she swung her Lancome tote bag over her shoulder. It was then that I wished I had balls to yell after her, “Who the hell do you think you are with your Lancome bag! I know a ‘Free Gift with Purchase’ when I see one!”
Guess who I am?