candy and cervices

I found out that my insurance fully covers the IUD, so I made an appointment. The receptionist said that everything could be done in forty-five minutes, granted my cervix was good enough.

Is there a chance my cervix won’t be good enough? As evidenced by my birth story, I have a very popular cervix. I have the Cervix du Soleil! But is there some sort of hazing ritual my cervix will have to endure to prove its loyalty to whomever is doing that finger-dinger-dance up there? I watched this Lifetime movie in which Hilary Swank was in a sorority and they blindfolded her and made her eat eggshells so she thought she was chewing glass. I hope my cervix doesn’t have to do that. It may be the Cervix Class President, but I have to admit, it’s a pussy.

(Gawd, was that last sentence necessary? I know my niece reads this! I also know that my uncle read this blog before I had a chance to erase everything and replace it with an online tribute to the Virgin Mary. Doh!)

So… those of you who have had an IUD, will it hurt? That’s a stupid question. I know it’s not going to be like sleeping on a hammock on an ocean liner, but do I have to do anything to prepare? Tae Bo, maybe?

We had about fifteen trick-or-treaters last night. There were the requisite princesses and ninjas. What stood out were the two teens who wore street clothes and Scream masks who did not look EIGHT YEARS OLD and the one kid who held out a backpack and then turned around to show his other backpack and asked, “Could you give some candy for my cousin? He’s not here. He’s at the house.”

Your absent cousin. At the house. Riiiiight.

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...


  1. Don’t know which IUD you’re getting but I got the Mirena and except for a little period-type cramping for a couple hours after- it went fine (I actually hit Target after the dr visit)

  2. Thanks for the info Chrissy!

    Oh man, I don’t know what I would do if anything got in the way of me and Target.

  3. rachel and her bossy cervix says:

    I thought about the IUD but my homeopathic dr talked me out of it. also, if you haven’t had a baby yet, supposedly there is a good chance your cervix will reject it anyway! Did you hear that IUD?! My cervix doesn’t want you!

  4. Geez. I never thought you would have to have a baby before you can get birth control.

  5. rachel a BC boycotter! says:

    I am like anti-birth control right now. I don’t understand why the woman has to deal with all this crap and side affects, so I am boycotting. I’m also not having sex right now either, so at least I’m being smart about it. wish more peeps could be that smart!

  6. anne nahm says:

    I dunno about the IUD. Somehow I always mix it up with those toggle bolts they use to hang pictures.

  7. Mommy off the Record says:

    I don’t know about the IUD, but I have a friend who just got one and she didn’t say anything about it hurting.

    LOL about the kid with the 2 backpacks. I think it should be illegal to trick or treat with a backpack anyway. You better come to my door with an pumpkin tote or at the very least a shopping bag or a pillowcase!

  8. I got the IUD and it hurt for a long time… granted I got it done at the 6 week appt right after having Liam. So I was bleeding still from that so the IUD made the bleeding go worse. So I bled for like 4 months. It was disgusting but what’s done is done… it’s fine now and I rarely deal with bleeding of any sort. I think it’s worth the 5 years of no worrying. But I think I’ll put the man in charge instead of doing the IUD again (in 4 more years).

  9. Was the “pussy” sentence necessary? Yes. Yes it was. I almost spit out my muffin when I read it, it was so funny.

  10. It’s a fine line, isn’t it? You want to be completely honest in all blog entries, but the minute you start to share intimate stories, images of mom or dad, jesus and Mahatma Gandhi come to mind you and you feel SHAME, SHAME! šŸ™‚

  11. Anonymous says:

    mona, rest easy! my iud was a big hit at the navy saloon i frequent. i’ve earned the nickname “whack it, sack it, don’t talk back to it” in two short months.

    this is not, however, the reason i’m commenting. BORAT, TOMORROW. i think i’m actually going to be around, so we have to go. i’ll give you a call sometime tonight after i get off work (8, 9ish).


    p.s. beth chapman’s breasts are as large as the existential chasm of postmodern america, i’d say. perhaps larger.

Speak Your Mind


CommentLuv badge