Today, as you head to the polls to exercise your democratic right, why not vote me as Washington’s biggest asshole? Here are some reasons why:
1. I saw a former co-worker at the gym whom I haven’t seen him since I was unmarried and skinny (read: hawt!). Instead of stopping and chatting with him, I totally pretended I didn’t see him through the glass window. And of course he bellowed, “HI MONA!” once my fat Michelin-man back was turned and I was almost into the women’s locker room. So I spun around in a “Oh, what a surprise!” move and said, “Hiiii, how’s it going!” I should have said, “Since you last saw me, I got married and had a baby and exchanged my size 6 jeans for black track suits with elastic waistbands,” but I ended up mumbling something about having a babysitter and needing time for myself, mumble, mumble, mumble. Woman, thy name is asshole.
2. I am the only woman who does not like Rachel Ray. She’s too mouthy for me. I am not impressed by her “stoups” or “sammies.” I watched that Halloween episode where she made “Worms and Eyeballs” with chicken meatballs and noodles. She raved how kids would love it. No they won’t, Rachel Ray. As my Korean ESL student Hyo Kim would say, “Liar, liar, there is fire on your pants.” This is where you come in with, “Come on! How can you hate Rachel Ray?” If you’re an asshole, it’s quite easy.
3. I hate revolving doors because I’m afraid my butt will get caught and I’ll trap in some unsuspecting tourist who wasn’t prepared to be encased in glass thanks to Ms. Junk in the Trunk up front. I don’t know if that qualifies me as an asshole or not, but if you’re ever in a revolving door with me and we get stuck, you have permission to say, “Geez woman and your butt trap! You’re such an asshole!”