During the only lap dance I ever received from a woman, the dancer “Sloane” said, “You can’t thread a moving needle.” I’ve always remembered that line and her acrobatic demonstration on making a dollar out of fifteen cents. I’ve flirted with the idea of visiting her again since she could help me with my latest endeavor: sewing cloth diapers.
She could probably also teach me how to maneuver the Caucasian Helicopter. I’ve heard of another position called the Chuukese helicopter, but since Sloane was wearing only sequined pasties and a thong and not a floral ankle skirt and a shirt saying “MICHIGAN,” it’s safe to say she wasn’t from the Federated States of Micronesia. (I tried to google pics of Chuukese women in said ensembles, but no luck. You disappoint me, Internets!)
I’ve been thinking of switching Nathan to cloth diapers because as we’ve moved up in size, we’re still paying the same amount for a Costco box of Huggies but for fewer diapers per box. New wraps cost anywhere from $16 to $25 each and that’s just too rich for Nathan’s bum. I’ve searched a few consignment shops for wraps, but most of them are ratty and as appealing as used toilet paper.
Here’s what works in my favor: free diaper patterns and my sewing machine (albeit dust-covered). Here’s the monkey wrench: I DON’T KNOW HOW TO SEW! I bought a couple of yards of fleece and pul fabric and brought it home. I practiced first on a faded pillow case. I guided it under the needle and then I didn’t know what to do. I wasn’t sure how to end it, so I clipped the thread. I’m sure that if I took up knitting, I would start out with a scarf and end up with a carpet runner.
I went to sleep thinking that some answer would magically appear in my dream but nothing came. I fiddled with the bobbin this morning and now I have an unthreaded bobbin, a pillow case with a line sewn in and a sewing machine that needs someone with a higher IQ to operate it.
My sewing skills are so cold, they should be measured in Kelvin.