Yesterday, my left eye started swelling in the “you should see the other guy” sort of way. I’ve woken up with bruises before, but that’s nothing new. When we co-sleep with Nathan, I’m the one who ends up with scratches or wakes up in the pee spot.
But today, the swelling worsened. I remember reading about a girl who had a boil on her face and one day it opened and tiny spiders raced out because it had been a spider’s egg all along. Dear Lord, lease let this just be a sty and not a spider’s egg because the day that insects emerge from my body will also be the day that Mike banishes me from the sweet baby-making kingdom forever.
I think this is all karmic retribution because shortly before the puffing began, I had made some biting comment about a Price Is Right contestant. She was wearing a “Bob’s Beauty” t-shirt and I thought, “I didn’t know Hanes made tube tops.” But that’s not what I said. When she jumped up, all her epidermic layers giddy and giggly, I said, “Lady, it’s Plinko, not a Honeybaked ham.”
I think the penance is going to be more severe than tossing out all my mascara. My relationship with karma is simple–we just don’t see eye to eye.