eyes smote shut

Yesterday, my left eye started swelling in the “you should see the other guy” sort of way. I’ve woken up with bruises before, but that’s nothing new. When we co-sleep with Nathan, I’m the one who ends up with scratches or wakes up in the pee spot.

But today, the swelling worsened. I remember reading about a girl who had a boil on her face and one day it opened and tiny spiders raced out because it had been a spider’s egg all along. Dear Lord, lease let this just be a sty and not a spider’s egg because the day that insects emerge from my body will also be the day that Mike banishes me from the sweet baby-making kingdom forever.

I think this is all karmic retribution because shortly before the puffing began, I had made some biting comment about a Price Is Right contestant. She was wearing a “Bob’s Beauty” t-shirt and I thought, “I didn’t know Hanes made tube tops.” But that’s not what I said. When she jumped up, all her epidermic layers giddy and giggly, I said, “Lady, it’s Plinko, not a Honeybaked ham.”

I think the penance is going to be more severe than tossing out all my mascara. My relationship with karma is simple–we just don’t see eye to eye.

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  1. The “spider’s egg under the skin” story is an urban myth.

  2. Okay then. Then what about the opening scene in Saw II with the guy who has to extract the key behind his eye? Because that’s also what this feels like.

  3. not to alarm you, but my former roommate was a nurse and she said she would see women come in all the time with eye infections–mostly caused by makeup. That’s why I cringe with every stroke of my mascara–but a girl can’t live without it, ya know!
    Anyways, suggest getting it checked out.

  4. Yes, an urban myth but a good way to describe your misery indeed. I am so sorry.

    That is too funny what you said about the jiggly contestant!

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