If I spontaneously combust, I won’t get through security

Here’s my New Year’s Resolution: no more air travel unless it’s a first-class flight and the person next to me is really interesting or asleep. And no flights in December.

Today has not been a good day, which I hope means my travel will be the polar opposite. I went to the Westwood Post Office with my sister’s 70 lb. box o’ computer and not only did I have to deal with stupid people standing in front of the door while I tried to wheel the dolly in, no one helped me when I stood there like an idiot hoisting up the behemoth onto the counter scale. Because I have no upper body strength, the box was suspended in mid-air until another postal worker could help me lift. And when the woman at the counter finally saw it, she said, “Sorry, it’s oversized. You’ll have to break it down or use UPS.”

I couldn’t use UPS because it was going to SAIPAN. No effing Merry Christmas to you, stupid postal worker who didn’t want to take my prepaid postage or reasoning that I already calculated the height-width-volume online and the website didn’t say anything about it being oversized.

What’s worse is that I cut myself shaving my legs and now I know I’ll get stopped by a TSA agent and they’ll quarantine me because I look like I have leg herpes. You know it’s going to happen.

And someone had better call the waambulance because Nathan became sick today. Of all the hip-hop-until-you-don’t-stop times to get sick, why now? Why? Because congested babies on planes are so much better than snakes! Samuel L. Jackson’s tagline should’ve had congested babies instead of mofo-snakes. Why doesn’t anyone ever consult me about these things? I have some idears, tell you what.

It’s almost 1:30 A.M. and I just finished packing Nathan’s things. But my luggage is empty. Maybe I’ll add that to the baggage I already have, which is crammed with my dashed dreams of becoming Little Miss CNMI (My eight-year-old heart broke after hearing, “Sorry Mona, but you need all your teeth to compete in this one and your silver caps don’t count.”) and my failed attempts to lose weight via Carmen Electra’s Striptease Aerobics. That venture fizzled after I found out that if you stand on the street you can totally see into my house.

If the neighbors moved here for the view, they’re asking for refunds now.

I need positive thoughts, my internet peeps. Wish me luck.

WTF update: I can’t find the 4th rechargeable battery I need for my camera. And I need all four to juice them up. Stupid Duracell. It’s a battery, not the other half of the golden amulet. I just want to take pictures, not open the gate to Mordor.

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  1. You’re so funny. Maybe Nathan congested because he’s teething…I hope it’s not a full on cold.

    And, while I haven’t used them myself, I’m pretty sure UPS now ships here. So if you feel like spending a million dollars to ship the box o’computer via UPS, I’m pretty sure you can. What can brown do for you? I know that Fed Ex ships here too – again, you got a million dollars?

    Don’t worry, things will work out. And if I’m awake to answer my phone, you can always call me to complain. šŸ™‚

  2. Thanks Deece. I might actually do that.

  3. Remember Mona – Things to chomp on or ideally suck on to keep his little tiny tubes open and his mouth occupied!
    It’s only 4 hours of his little life so far. I’m sure it’ll be very interesting for him and he’ll gaze wide eyed at the passengers and cabin crew, who will, NO doubt, absolutely adore him…
    And I don’t need to remind you about the good old JD option!!
    Safe journey my transatlantic internet buddy X

  4. R A C H E L says:

    I’m hoping I get through security too! Flying internationally is probably just as difficult as flying with a congested baby. I am so confused about what I can take on the plane with me that I’m just going to check everything and hope for the best. As long as they don’t take my electronic handheld yahtzee or find out I’m a jew, I should be ok.

  5. Good luck, Ms. Mona. I will be thinking of you! šŸ™‚

    Such things to blog about upon your return…

  6. You have my sympathies & all my best wishes. I have lost count of the number of times I’ve had to fly with one or both kids this year and I am SO over it. Good luck.

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