my no-gag reflex: the gift that keeps on giving

At the moms group yesterday, one of the moms asked me what I’m getting Mike for Christmas. My big low-income mouth said, “I don’t know!” In my perfect smart-ass world, I would have answered, “Knee-pads,” and when they furrowed their brows in confusion, I would add, “They’re for me. You know. For slobbing the knob. Get it? GET IT?”

One gift I’m particularly proud of was the birthday present I gave during the hazy dating period. I knew he loved Flannery O’Connor so I asked him slyly what his favorite story was. Taking that information to Ebay, I won the June 1955 copy of Harper’s Bazaar with “Good Country People” appearing for the first time in print. Woot, woot!

Mike keeps asking me what I want and I always tell him, “Nothing,” which is a cheap way to get him to say that he doesn’t want anything either. Reverse psychology’s in my budget. So is a guilt trip-vacation to the time he filmed my college graduation and missed my whole on-stage curtsy and instead caught my friend Anna-Beth walking behind me, but I’m saving that for our two-year anniversary.

I also have to buy two $10 gifts for the trip to St. Louis, where my in-laws will entertain themselves with a round of “Rob Your Neighbor,” which is also called, “White Elephant,” and which is what I call, “This is what white people do for fun.”

In addition to the gift frenzy, I’m also worried about traveling with Nathan. Everything will be amplified 30,000 feet in the air–the cries, the poop, the huffs in our direction. In Victorian times, parents would sedate their children with opium before leaving to work. I guess this was before they could handcuff their young to the radiator. Unfortunately, there aren’t any quality opium dens around. I only want the best to drug my son! I don’t think my insurance covers baby valium. We’ll just have to deal.

Here’s hoping we don’t get thrown off the plane for breast-feeding, Nathan holds all his bowel movements until we’ve landed, and Mike enjoys tube socks and a gas gift card and I finally find a dress for Nathan’s baptism.

What will your holidays look like?

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Comments

  1. rachel a jew 4 jesus says:

    I’m glad you asked…but do you really care? I guess you wouldn’t have asked if you didn’t…Hmm, my holiday is usually terribly depressing. Ok, well, if I have a boyfriend, it’s usually better b/c I’ll actually have a place to go. But sans boyfriend, my family is retarded. Not only do I hate spending time with them, but we do nothing…My dad will feel bad that we have nothing to do so he’ll make a reservation at a fancy hotel restaurant for some type of xmas buffet, which is actually SUPER DUPER depressing. And then maybe we’ll go see a super duper depressing movie, whatever one comes out on xmas day. Boooo. This year, however, I’ll be celebrating in London with a few good friends and I can’t wait. Also, if you’ve read my blogs lately, you’d know that I am denouncing judaism from here on out. It’s just too boring.

  2. You’re going to spend two major holidays with a cute guy, Rachel. That’s not depressing at all.

  3. rachel a jew 4 jesus says:

    Strangely, I left out the part about the cute guy…

  4. Saipan Chamoale says:

    I posted pictures of the christmas ornaments on my blog

  5. Pendullum says:

    Travelling…
    and dealing with In Laws…
    You are a brave woman…

  6. That O’Connor story is just awesome. To me that’s what a gift should be. I mean, anyone can buy themselves gloves, right?

    Thanks for your comment at my place – pleased to meet you, and wishing you a poop-free, arrest-free, breastfeeding journey.

  7. Saipan Chamoale says:

    Hey Mona,

    I’m looking for people to join the We Love Saipan Network. We’re trying to up the positive websites about the CNMI and yours is one of them. Want to join? Check out We Love Saipan. Message me at my blog if you want to join. You just need to write a small blurb about why you love the CNMI and then link to our website.

    Angelo

  8. Mommy off the Record says:

    I’ve never travelled on a plane with Little Guy, but my friend just did it with her 4 month old and it went really well so just keep thinking positive!

    p.s. thanks for the knee pad idea. I totally didn’t have any clue what to get the huz until I read this post! 🙂

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