The random report

My brother’s coming in next weekend with his wife and son. Now that we both have families, I’m not sure how this will change the dynamic which I’ve known so long. One that involves phone calls that begin with, “What the hell do you want, Ramona?”

When I was 14, I stayed with my brother in Hawaii that summer. He brought me to a little shop where a guy made fake ID’s for $50. The guy took my photo and placed it in a tiny plastic card that said I was 21 and from Fairfax, Virginia. As we left, I was starting to think that my brother was making an effort to include me in his super cool party circle until we got to his apartment and my first task was to buy beer from the Korean store across the street.

When the store owner scanned my ID and asked if I was going to school on the East Coast, I panicked and tried to say oh-so-smoothly, “Yeah, I just got done with spring semester…” and scurried out of there.

I relayed the whole story to my brother and he said, “Spring semester, Ramona? Don’t you know it’s August?”

I went to the Seattle Public Library downtown yesterday and thought it would be avant garde to take self-portraits of me, but then I chickened out once the librarians came around. So I pulled out my bag and acted as if I was actually rummaging through it instead of stuffing it with Cynthia Voigt novels. Here’s me pretending that the contents of my Calvin Klein (free gift with purchase!) bag are so amazing that I. forgot. to. close. my. mouth.

Note to self: close your mouth in self-portraits

I made an appointment to get an IUD on Monday. The last time I went for an IUD I got into a car accident. I didn’t make it to the doctor’s that day. I think God was trying to tell me one of two things: “Have more babies, Mona!” or “Get the hell off the road.”

During the Christmas festivities, everyone played “Rob Your Neighbor” and fought over the bottle of wine someone brought in. Mike’s godmother ended up with the fancy BBQ sauce set I gifted but I found her later trying to trade it with her grandson for a flask.

I picked this:

I got hosed during White Elephant

A six-piece gardening tool set which everyone tried to steal from me, but I was all, “Ahh hells no! I’m gonna these deez kneepads fo sho!” Besides, I’ll need these tools to fulfill my ultimate dream of opening up an organic produce stand that also sells Steel Reserve and scratch tickets. I’m just trying to broaden my market, that’s all.

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Comments

  1. anne nahm says:

    What up with the self-portrait at the library? Is this a service they provided, or are they just taking pictures to make sure you are not stealing fish out of the library aquarium?

    PS? My word verification is gaofux, which I think is a verb associated with Gaelic hookers.

  2. Ah, Steel Reserve. Those were the days. That was my after-the-gym drink of choice back in the day.
    I’ll most likely never admit that again.

  3. Rebekah, I love Steel Reserve. Ain’t no shame in my game.

  4. Gorgeous self-portrait, Mona.

    It’s so urban. So library. So. You. 🙂

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