my genius, oppressed

I was about to register for Jeopardy but unfortunately I’m too old to sign up for the Kids registration. I think this is a damn shame that they didn’t open up that category because it’s the only one I’m good at. I would be the star of Kids Jeopardy. I would sweep the categories. I know Jethro Tull is the name of the band, not the guy with the flute. Seriously, I would get all True Daily Double up in there. I’d be on the cover of Newsweek as the Awkwardly Placed Woman Who Knew Everything. Who cares that I’m college educated and two feet taller than the other contestants? I don’t have a bedtime! My wisdom teeth are coming in. Doesn’t that mean I’m smarter now?

If I could appear on Kids Jeopardy, I’d roll up to the Jeopardy studios in my Dae Woo and spot a kid wearing a bow-tie and glasses, frantically flipping through flash cards of Presidents and their wives. I’d open the window and shout, “Where’s your driver’s license, Timmy? Oh yeah, that’s right, you’re eight!”

I would saunter into my booth and flash my gold-plated bangles to the baby-toothed kid from Sandusky, Ohio and sneer, “How many lawns would you have to mow to get this kind of bling?” I would lean into little Johnny and warn, “Do the people on your paper route know you’re gone?”

In awesome Friday news, I was bestowed with an ROFL award for January by the fuh-uh-ny Oh The Joys for my donut baby that wasn’t.

This reminds me of the time that the New Kids on the Block performed on a local telethon and my cousin Geraldine called in, gave me the phone and told me to ask for Donnie. I choked and started giggling so I hung up. Then all of a sudden, we could hear the woman on the television, “Please children, this is a serious fundraiser. Please do not play on the phone.” We FREAKED out and fled the living room, like the woman would climb out of the television, grab our collars and present us to our parents for discipline.

But there was that sweet rush of being one phone operator away from my favorite NKOTB member, a feeling that still jolts me now, years later.

This award is just as cool.

Donnie, my favorite NKTOB member

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