two fat stories

About three years ago, my friend Leslie and I went to a Weight Watcher’s meeting in downtown Seattle. This was a poor decision because it was right before Thanksgiving and the bulk of the meeting focused on what we weren’t going to eat. The room was packed with women slipping off their shoes and stepping on the scale and then congratulating each other on that week’s total. It looked like the entire Oprah audience decided to leave the studio and fill a Weight Watcher’s meeting.

A woman with tightly drawn red lips passed around paper plates, instructing us to list what we were going to eat. I went to town in my circle, writing mostly ham, mashed potatoes, gravy, ham and some more ham. Then Miss Lips said that we were going to count up how many points we had based on our food. I stopped listening after someone asked how many points were given for gravy and she said, “Gravy? Don’t even think about it.”

I flipped the plate over and drew a weepy frown where real food should have been.

That was the first and only time I have ever attended a Weight Watcher’s meeting. Now, three years later, I still get stalkerish mail from WW like brightly colored postcards with a sweaty woman smiling as she holds an eight-pound dumbbell in one hand and her unattainable idea of beauty in the other. (Because unrealistic notions of what a woman’s body should look like have no points whatsoever.)

These mailings have always printed the same phrase: “Dear Mona, we haven’t forgotten about you!” Lately, they’ve taken a darker bent, moving from, “Come on Mona, give us a call,” to “Still fat, Mona? We’re not! How do those pre-pregnancy pants fit? They don’t? That’s too bad. We’ve enclosed a tissue to wipe those tears. Remember, tears are five points!”

Yesterday as I was driving, I realized that I had been sitting on my phone. When I got home, I looked at the screen and it said, “NOT IN SERVICE.” My phone couldn’t pick up a signal from under my ass. I’ve been able to make calls in tunnels and parking garages, but not from the dark depths of my junk in the trunk. There are few things in life more embarrassing than contemplating, “How big is my ass that a call from under it would include roaming charges?”

Seriously, how much area is there? What does this information do to my measurements? What am I now? 36-24-48-contiguous-states?

And writing all this has made me hungry.

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Comments

  1. That is hysterical. For myself, thought, not even a No Service Available message could get me or my ass to WW.

  2. Oh, The Joys says:

    So, I have lost 45 pounds couting the effing points and while that does feel good…there ain’t been NO STINKING GRAVY!!! (Which pisses me off!) On top of that – here is a secret – the skinny people following the ww advice can. not. stop. farting. There is a price to be paid for 5 servings of fruits and veg a day, my friend. So you can eat what you want and smell nice or count points and stink up the place.

  3. There are groups of WW people at work, and they SCARE ME! They have no lives aside from food-the food they’re going to eat, the food they can’t eat, the food they’ll make, bring to work, and not eat.

    It drives me insane. I know people who it’s worked for, but it’s made them more aware of daily food requirements than anything.

    I’m with oh the joys. I’ve been eating better lately, and man, I cannot stop farting. NOT good when you work in an office.

  4. Yes, I’ve heard of the farting and really, I’m in too many enclosed spaces as it is.

    And I’m glad I’m not the only one who has seen the cultish side of WW. Granted, it can help people, but hell-bent groups in general creep me out.

  5. weight watchers always seemed evil. now i have proof.

  6. Mona, you kill me! That cell phone under your ass thing nearly made me fall off my bed- I was laughing so hard.

  7. Swistle says:

    *Laughing, laughing, laughing*

    I’ve never been to a WW meeting, because I know people who have been and that is close enough for me.

  8. OMG, how funny! I am actually doing WW from home….not very successfully right now, but when I stay on track I actually do good. I only showed up at the meetings long enough to get my points counter, activity counter, food/points book, and I think a recipe book. I somehow eat a lot less when I don’t focus on trying to eat better. Go figure.

  9. Janet a.k.a. "Wonder Mom" says:

    That’s really funny.
    I am so not laughing at your ass…I’m laughing at your attitude towards the whole experience. I love it.

    Visiting from the carnival.

  10. TOO FUNNY! THanks for cheering me up. I went to a group once that was like weight watchers. I abhorred going and “weighing in” if I knew I wasn’t going to be down any weight. It made me feel like such a failure!

    Here from CHBM carnival. šŸ˜€

  11. Thank you- the laugh I got from reading this entry? SO my cardio for the day!

    xoxoxo
    nik

    (Saw your link from the Carnival)

  12. Angelika says:

    LMAO!

    I loved your post when you were talking about Weight Watchers, but when you got to the part where your cell phone couldn’t pick up a signal from under your ass I think I wet myself!

    LOL. šŸ™‚

  13. AuburnGalAlways says:

    The cell phone thing? SO VERY FUNNY

    what a great cingular commercial it would make!!

    I’m here from the CHBM Carnival.

  14. Hilarious! Did they really send you stalker postcards? If they did you need to send some back to them! Take a picture of yourself eating various fatty foods and mail it to your former leader, “Wish you were eating this!”

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