On the net, no one knows you’re a hovel

What is it about house hunting that reminds me of my ex-boyfriends? Discovering quaint real estate phrases like, “charming” and “starter home,” really mean “breadbox” and “hovel,” is much like realizing your starving artist boyfriend is an uneducated oaf who is very skilled at creating skulls and crossbones with Photoshop’s airbrush tool.

It’s disheartening.

I am inundated with collectors from Woulda, Coulda, and Shoulda, LLC, whose office is inside my head. Why didn’t I squirrel away every dollar I received from my baptism, First Holy Communion, confirmation and high school graduation? (Catholics make bank!) Why did I have to buy that knock-off Barbie doll with the interchangeable heads when I was eight and later at 18, why did I insist on purchasing the entire series of Planet of the Apes on DVD for Mr. LetMeJustFinishThisGame who had no job (unless you consider raising your Half-Life 2 ranking above ComradeBadger241 a serious career move)? Why Mona? Why didn’t you know to buy real estate when you were 14 and living on the other side of the Pacific Ocean? What do you mean you had to get an education first and you had absolutely no source of income? Wouldn’t you rather have a house than know the plot theories of Beowulf? You would at least know how to create skeletons on the computer.

And it doesn’t help that tonight we received a notice to move out in 10 days or comply. Comply with what, you ask? Well, that’s what I was what-the-effing. Apparently, our neighbor below is accusing us of banging our car doors into her car and dinging the side, even though the small glitch in her complaint is that she is never home when we park our car. But whining to the management is enough to get someone (almost) evicted, or at least put on record as not being very good neighbors. I learned enough about tenant law when I worked as a part-time apartment manager, so though this is just a warning and not a notice, it’s the first of many things that the folks below to make our lives hell. (Pregunta: how do we comply with something as baseless as preventing damage to a car that’s not even there? If you figure that out, you can help me in my quest to save endangered unicorns and stop the deforestation of Candy Land.)

But before we came home to the Get Out Now, Do Not Pass Go notice, Mike and I seriously considered two properties. One in West Seattle (thanks for the heads up, Alison!) and one in Burien. The West Seattle one shaves about ten minutes off of Mike’s commute and is located by a sweet elementary school, grocery store, and best of all, TARGET! But it needs work, particularly the landscaping and a lot of the exterior. Ahhh, but I think fondly of the location, something the Burien property sorely lacks. That house is small, but well maintained. It has a sliver of yard and a long strip of gravel driveway. The stacked washer and dryer is in the second bedroom. I’m not sure where we would fit the office. And though I’m sure I would have a similar spacing issue with the West Seattle home, I would have much more opportunity to expand. I couldn’t add onto the Burien home since it’s on a hill and well, the backyard is standing room only. I think I answered my own question.

It’s time to break up with this apartment. I’ve found someone else.

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  1. OMG 10 days? Is that even legal? I’ve heard 30 days before, but that’s pretty quick.

    When I’ve had bad neighbors, I’ve taken their info and signed them up for stuff on the internet that would freak them out. I don’t know if it ever worked, but it made me feel better.

    Good luck with everything.

  2. Mayberry says:

    Man. Talk about lighting a fire under you! That is annoying. I hope the new place works out ASAP.

  3. Butrfly4404 says:

    I don’t know about WA laws, but if we got that notice here in MN, they would probably mean that they were going to go through with the eviction after ten days, then you would have the standard thirty to get out.

    Have your property values not dropped into the oblivion of Hell like ours??

    When we were looking in the fall of 2005, for our money, we could have gotten a small, fixerupper in our old city (close to Minneapolis), or move an hour away and get an almost new house (2000). We went with the new house. BUT…knowing what I do now (that I absolutely HATE driving ten hours a week), I might go ahead and choose the fixerupper.

  4. The Saipan Blogger says:

    You could just build a pala pala in the backyard….put it next to where you are going to keep your pigs.

  5. i hate apartment living….even though my neighbors don’t bother me. but then you know that you have to be conscientious about the fact that someone lives below you and beside you. there is always that common wall and or floor/ceiling. i havent had porn-like sex in a year due to the fact that our bedroom floor is my Christian neighbor’s ceiling.

    much luck on the new place.

    we are in the process of moving (i should really be loading the truck right now) and along with the financial horror and back breaking loading and unloading, i am thankful that the only common wall i share is between our bedroom and the bathroom. that and the fact that our bedroom is located above the living room and not someone’s actual bedroom.

  6. The notice to comply was just a warning notice, not an eviction notice. It still adds to our case that our time here is over and that we need a place of our own.

    And Angelo, I’ll have to figure out how to fit the pigs along with the chickens. I wonder if my realtor can find a place with those parameters.

  7. lo-cay-shun. i live like a mile from Target and OMFG. So worth it.

    Nathan can do the landscaping (sure!) and a few cans of spray paint should take care of the exterior. boom! you’re set.

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