Ikea and the interNOT

This weekend, Mike and I spent a lot of money at Ikea, convinced that the particleboard we were bringing into our house was an investment. We say, “investment,” like we actually believe that the Hemnes Chest will increase the property value, when it’ll only increase the chance of any potential buyer surveying our bedroom and pondering, “How much do you want to bet I can punch through this cheap nightstand?”

The thing about Ikea is that it’s only as good as the person putting it together. The queen bedframe Mike brought into our first apartment was damaged by the movers and so to keep the boxspring from falling through the newly-curved slats and one of us waking up screaming, “What in the holy Christmas!?!” we had to get halved 2×4’s (wouldn’t that be 1×2’s?) to suffice as a ghetto bed slat.

But I did put the dresser together even though the directions called for something else:

A white man. Actually, I needed to be a white man and have the assistance of my Anglo brethren to complete it. Come on Ikea, pony up for the ink and get some of my Pacific Islander brothers and sisters featured.

There is no internet or television yet. The cable guy was ready to hook it up on Sunday, but the “smart box” in our closet that houses the cable and outlet whoosie-whatsies could not be pried open, so we’ll need to call the developer to fix it while Mike and I fill in the TV void playing a rousing game of, “Why are you hitting yourself?”

I was not able to install the baby gates I spent $168 on. I did manage to drill vampire bites instead of secure spots for the gates so my son will not fall to his death. Until I get someone with more know-how, or any know-how, we’ll just have to depend on my yelling, “NATHAN GET AWAY FROM THERE!”

We can use that all day for free!

Nathan’s picked up speed since his first steps a few weeks ago, and now leads with his belly. The kid is fast and determined to walk into anything: the cats, curb, oncoming traffic. I want to get a leash, but only because I plan to teach those fat toddler feet how to walk on my back. If I could only harness that energy into creating the world’s perfect back massager.

It’s worth the investment.

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Comments

  1. Butrfly4404 says:

    Geez, I had to catch my breath I was laughing so hard!

    I don’t own any Ikea, but it can’t be any worse than Wal-Mart. Which is where I bought this chair that keeps losing air and dropping me to the floor.

  2. thecandyqueen says:

    Dang! what do you give that kid for breakfast, bloody mary’s? He walks like a drunkard! Haha, jk, actually I LOVE this age when they walk all crazy like that. It’s the most entertaining.

    Boy oh boy do I have some Ikea stories for you! My ex boyfriend spent all day putting together a dresser for our bedroom only to realize at the end that he put it together backwards and the drawers wouldn’t open. I’m too embarrassed to tell you how he handled it.

  3. Just wanted to let you know that I love reading your blog.

  4. Mommy off the Record says:

    We just bought a dresser at Ikea too! I have more Ikea stuff than I’d like admit 🙂

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