why I never work out

I know Mike prefers Frampton Comes Alive to Fergie. But I can’t see how you wouldn’t opt for anything over Fergie. Are you kidding me with that keeping-it-real schitck, lady? Picking up your chalupa at the Taco Bell drive-thru hardly qualifies you as “raw as hell.” It just makes you fat as hell, not to mention, gassy. Fat and gassy: does that sound glamorous to you, Stacy Ferguson?

What was that? Get back to talking about your grandpa/husband, Mona? Okay! I’m used to the onslaught of classic rock filling the interior of our car rides–Jethro Tull and that stupid flute solo and various guitar solos that abuse the whammy bar–and references to Jimmy Carter and Angie Dickinson, but during the move I discovered something that shocked me to the core:

A thigh-master. Do you remember these things? I found this and felt like someone had thrown me into Antiques Roadshow: Workout Fads Edition. How much could you get for something the worst cast member of Three’s Company demonstrated between her legs? Could I get at least reparations for the damage caused by those relentless infomercials?

Mike alleges that it’s for working his arms, but I’m not too young to fall for that.

If it were for the arms, it would be called Arm Master, not the Device Suzanne Sommers Modeled Near Her No-Nos.

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  1. Oh, The Joys says:

    What do Mona’s Man & Suzanne Summers have in common…


  2. Their No-Nos? lol j/k… sorries couldn’t help it =|

  3. And just what’s wrong with Tull’s flute solo?

  4. thecandyqueen says:

    My sister had a thigh-master! Now she has an eliptical machine…Thigh-master is probably worth something now.

    p.s. Stacy Ferguson used to be a meth addict. That’s kinda raw?! No, nevermind, that’s the drug of white suburbia. But you know what? She WAS on the Kids Incorporated show with Jennifer Love Hewitt, and that is priceless! Here she is doing one of my favorite songs ever!!! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Gb5DkLd22

  5. OTJ: I hope this is all they have in common.

    Lex: That’s my favorite phrase now.

    GDC: Everything.

    Candy Queen: Thanks for the link! I didn’t know she used to be on meth. That explains the fug.

  6. Yup, was replying to OTJ’s comment. But yeah I’ve always enjoyed baby talk šŸ˜‰

  7. Butrfly4404 says:

    Wow. I didn’t know she was a meth user, either. That would def. put some things in perspective. Did you know that Meth induced schizophrenia warrants a social security check? She could stop teaching everyone how to spell and spend all day working on her fitness.

    Okay, I’m bitter right now.

    Mike could have at least blamed the ex for the thighmaster over “it’s for my arms” – much more believable! šŸ˜‰

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