I swear, I don’t know how those handcuffs got there

Can I just freak out a little here because my mother is coming TOMORROW and there is still so much to clean and HIDE. I’m practicing lines like, “Some sinner must have gone into my closet and put those movies there, Mom. They’re not mine, I swear,” and “This is the button you press if you want to watch Gunsmoke.”

Last year, my mother wrote a book on how to be a wife, but it wasn’t on how anyone should be a wife, but rather, how MONA should be a wife to MIKE. I haven’t even given any thought to it, but now that she’s coming tomorrow, she’ll find out that I haven’t been waking up at the crack of dawn to hem all my husband’s pants and I only use one setting on the iron: hot.

I also inherited her sewing machine and all I have to show for it are four yards of polar fleece and a photo of me tonguing the thread.

So if you have any unfinished pillow cases I can pawn off as my own, I’d really appreciate your sending them my way. And if you have a cave on your property where I can temporarily store certain, um, items, that would be greatly appreciated, too.

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  1. annenahm.com says:

    Ugh. I hear you. My mom insists she got up half an hour before my dad for the first 7 years they were married so my father would never see her in less than a full face of make-up.

    She usually takes pains to remind me that ‘full face’ includes fake eyelashes.

    I don’t dare tell her most mornings I try to dutch oven my husband. But maybe I should.

  2. Butrfly4404 says:

    I’m really glad I don’t have to worry about that. I get really mad when she tries to tell me my PMS-induced riots are NOT, in fact, The Man’s fault. I couldn’t imagine her trying to tell me what to do!!

    Here’s what you do about the sewing machine: buy a book (or magazine) about it and tell her you’re in the “planning stages” of your next project and all your future endeavors were dontated to the local children’s hospital.

  3. When my mom was here last I came home to find she’d washed and sorted my raunchiest lingerie.

  4. hehe i’ve got lots of half finished sewing projects i could send ya! as for the cave…don’t have one of those, but may i suggest renting a storage unit until she leaves?? hehe

  5. Liam's Mom - Gina says:

    I was scrambling just the same when my MIL was on her way to stay for 6 weeks. I’d be happy to send you some unfinished projects of my own… šŸ˜‰

  6. Happy to help – I have always been willing to hide stuff for Mike, (err, but not from you, of course) … now would not be an exception. Just send it down to my place (in Florida) and I’ll be happy to store it in my garage.

  7. Thanks GDC. I’ll have to send some items your way.

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