so does that mean I’m it?

So yesterday Nathan and I spent the morning trolling through West Seattle’s various yard sales. When these domestic dealings are successful and I come away with awesome finds, it’s an exhilarating experience that boosts my cheap-loving ego. When they’re not as fruitful and the space is filled with rusty bundt pans and frayed and pilled Strawberry Shortcake blankets, a part of me dies. The part that could have been doing something of great social and political import, like watching the A&E channel.

And this excursion around the ‘hood took about an hour and a half, which was enough time for this to happen:

So can I get an internet witness that it sucks like a vacuum to arrive at our brand-new home and find that someone had taken a sharpie to the side of it? I could handle the mattress debacle, especially since I knew the culprit and I was satisfied with how it was handled. But this.

Yes, it can be painted over but that’s going to take time and money and any effort on my part would totally counter the work I’m doing for my political sect: the Poor and Lazy Party. And worse yet, this isn’t art. If they were going to do it anyway, why didn’t they knock and ask us for our input? I could have said, “Write something with ‘Nathan’ in it,” or “How about one of those directional signs that tell me how many miles it is from here to Saipan or England?”

But what they did instead was draw some acid-trip math equation, some circles that look like butts and initials.

If he/she/they had been trying to mark their territory, they could have just peed around the perimeter. That’s what animals do, right? If I had come home to a pee moat, I would have been esctatic that the real owner was here and was going to take over our mortgage!

And stars? Give me a break! At least put up a unicorn or liger or something with rainbows. But stars? This belongs on the front of a Trapper Keeper, not my garage.

Our neighbors called the police since they were tagged, too, though not to the same extent. And what did the police do? Shelve four murder cases, flip on the flashing cherries and zoom right over, of course! Actually, four hours later when my neighbor along with two cops knocked on the door, I was holding Nathan whom I had just fed his tomato sauce and pasta dinner.

“Sorry it took so long to answer. I was trying to put in the baby gates.”

“Oh I can see why,” one cop said.

I realized then what he must have seen: a toddler with a scrape on his face (thanks for not being more cushy, sidewalk!) and shirt with bright red stains on it. Nice job, Mona. Invite the cops over to witness the child you’ve beaten and bloodied. Why don’t you fess up to the iPod you listen to in your car because you’re too cheap to get your broken stereo replaced! The cops will love how you talk into your earbud wire like it’s an actual phone!

The cops did take our information and also took some pictures. They said they didn’t think it was gang-related, (Unless we’re being attacked by the Lollipop Guild!) and pretty much chalked it up to what happens when you live in a busy district, which is what I had expected they were going to say.

One time I was attending a conference in Chicago with some female co-workers and we had gotten so hopelessly lost at night that we pulled into a 7-11 to ask a cop for directions. He was puzzled that we were in that shady neighborhood because we shouldn’t have been there so late. In addition to telling us that it was okay to run any red lights if we felt unsafe, he also gave us a police escort to the freeway.

If I had been offered a police escort for the next few days, I think I wouldn’t be as upset about the damages. Because arriving with the cops at Target is almost as good as a limo, right?

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  1. says:

    That Lewinskies.

  2. HMama328 says:

    I wouldn’t sleep – just wait up – they’ll be back. And then I’d kill those little mother f’ers! Seriously!

  3. thordora says:

    What I never understand is how it’s broad fricken daylight, and yet no one seems the little idiots doing it! And who thinks that writing on a house with a sharpie is cool?!?!?

    ARGH! I’d be spitting nails if I was you.

  4. Anonymous says:

    It’s a good thing I live thousands of miles away from you because I’d be at your house kicking some juvenile ass right about now. That’s awful!

    *P.S. I think this is the first time I’ve delurked. I’m Kim and I’m in Missouri far far away from you and those little punks.

  5. Melissa says:

    Hey Mona, you could rig up one of those tiny cameras and catch the little sh*&s in action- then the police would probably do more. That’s the prosecutor in me speaking!

  6. janelle says:

    I’ve just found your blog and must say you have a fabulous talent for writing. On topic, I’d be livid. I’m sick of the little vandals. My parents were awoken at 1am last week when cops showed up shining flashlights into their windows. (is that even legal?) Turns out there were numerous calls to the police about ‘teens throwing water balloons at cars’ from my parents’ yard. As all of their kids are grown, my parents were, of course, innocent. And don’t even get me started on how many mailboxes they’ve had to replace. I’d have nanny-cams all over the driveway.

  7. Why not add some color to it? You know… a little red and yellow outline here… a little blue there. Some rainbows and unicorns wouldn’t be a bad idea.

    On a more serious note, retarded kids will be retarded kids. We as parents are obligated to pity…?;)

  8. horrible frickin kids!

  9. Butrfly4404 says:

    Holy shit, Mona! I would…I don’t know…probably stay up and wait for them. But then they’d never come back and I’d just be some crazy lady pacing my house all night.

    I can’t tell from the you have wood or vinyl siding? Wood, yes you can paint over, but vinyl you can’t…however, I think a “magic eraser” (like, Mr. Clean) would do the trick.

    Have to agree on the lack of talent. I often walk across an old RR bridge on lunch and it’s the same, just stupid names and words that have meaning only to them. Draw a picture you talentless little freaks!

    The report, though it seems to not help much, will be really handy in the future if the little brats get caught.

  10. That totally sucks.

    But your liger suggestion made me laugh really hard, if it’s any consolation.

  11. Sorry you had this happen.

  12. Man, that sucks. I hope they catch whoever did it. I also hope it doesn’t cost too much to repair.

  13. oh helllllllll no! First, I’d be finding out what Mattress boy’s initials are. KRM – definitely a girl trying to impress her tripped out boyfriend..seriously, who the hell puts stars in graffiti?? Oh I’d be so pissed. Actually, I AM pissed! WTF?! I guess living in a small city in Texas we don’t see that on houses (they usually stick to churches, grocery stores and schools)…that’s just ridiculous! However, before you bust out the paint, may I suggest trying a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser? It is ab-so-freakin-lutely amazing what those things can get off…

  14. The Narcissist says:

    It’s time to get tough on crime. Off with their hands!

  15. Absolutely Bananas says:

    no no no no… that is my WORST nightmare. I honestly think I’d wait outside with a rifle after something like that… and I’m totally AGAINST guns. But graffiti makes my BLOOD BOIL!!!! I’m sorry for you!

  16. la vie joie says:

    sorry to hear that you have little vandals in your new neighborhood. I’d wait for the little ones and give them a tongue lashing and have them clean it up.

  17. Mommy off the Record says:

    I am so sorry that happened! Holy crap. But glad it’s not gang related at least.

  18. The Saipan Blogger アンジェロ・ビラゴメズ says:

    I just learned that “Mo” is the Marshallese word for “taboo.”

    Maybe they know something.

  19. Anonymous says:

    Try a Q-Tip and some nail polish remover. At least that worked when my husband put his clothes in the wash with a Sharpie in his pocket, which I did not realize until I opened the dryer to take out the laundry and it looked like a 3-year old had been let loose in there with a marker. The nail polish remover took it off – so maybe it will work on your siding?

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