To Catch a Predator: Grocery Store Edition

I was at the grocery store earlier this week when I found myself staring at two-year-old’s expensive brown leather sandals. It was easy to tell that he was wearing the real McCoy. There was no cracked pleather or vinyl sheen. And as I was calculating how much more his shoes cost than my five-year-old Mary Jane’s, I realized his mother was watching me watch him. She was a tall woman whose perfect bob was the same shade of blonde as her son’s.

Say something, Mona, so you don’t look like an idiot, the voice in my head instructed. And this time, try hard, would ya?

“I love his shoes! Where did you get them?” I feigned. This is the classic inquiry if you don’t know what else to say to another mother. It’s easier to ask another mother where she bought something because you’re sure to get some expected retail answer unlike the time I filled an awkward silence with my co-worker by oohing over his cologne and asking him excitedly what that delicious fragrance was. His answer: “Ban roll-on deodorant.” Way to go, Mona. You armpit lover.

“Oh, I got it at Nordstrom.” The woman cooed the way women do when they drop a fancy name. You’ll never hear me say, “These jeans? Jordache, dahhhling.”

“They’re ‘See Kai Run.'” The woman added. “They’re new. From the spring line.”

“I didn’t see them the last time I was there!” I exclaimed again. This was true. The last time I went into Nordstrom was two years ago and I was just looking for the bathroom.

How low have I sunk to fake a conversation with a rich woman so I wouldn’t look like a predator?

Truth is, I’ll never be able to begin a sentence with, “I was shopping at Nordstorm’s the other day…” For one, I don’t even know if it’s Nordstrom or Nordstrom’s and sometimes I spell it Nordstorm which sounds like a Norse Mythology Outlet where you can buy overstock fishing nets from the Loki, God of Mischief Collection.

All I know is that I’ve seen license plates that say, “I’d rather be shopping at Nordie’s!” and that these plates belong to drivers who have never had to break a sweat because they were trying to gun it up to 30 mph while driving a Dae Woo.

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  1. Hysterical.

    Especially this part: “Nordstorm which sounds like a Norse Mythology Outlet where you can buy overstock fishing nets from the Loki, God of Mischief Collection.”

    And I am SO there with you. Yardsale, yes. Nordstrom for my 11 month old, are you NUTS? Isn’t there something better to waste money on?

  2. thecandyqueen says:

    Exactly! I believe it ‘s just “Nordstrom” without the “s” but I could be wrong. Anyway, the people who put those license plate frames on their cars are just jealous of the one’s that university alumnus (sp?) get to put on theirs! They have to prove their worth with their money. Let’s face it, what educated person would put something like that on their car??? Unless they were like Mr. or Mrs. Nordstrom them self.

  3. says:

    I can’t believe you beat me to the punch with Nordies.

    Shamefully, I have interloped that crowd where stores are like your close celebri-buddies.

    Victoria’s secret? Vicky’s. Nordstrom’s hujavascript:void(0)
    Publish Your Commentge lounge bathroom? That’s ‘the office’. KY Jelly? We call that ‘marrying for money’ or sometimes, ‘I love him, but I’m not in love with him’.

  4. says:

    And what the hell just happened to my comment? It looks like it ate some bad HTML.

    Possibly because I angered the Nordie Gods with my Crocs.

  5. omg you seriously should rename your site!!!

    mona, you got me rolling…crazy girl!!

  6. HAHAHA I’m going to have to start calling it Nordstorm, even though I never shop there, and it’ll probably never be brought up in conversation. But if it is, Nordstorm it is!

  7. Jurgen Nation says:

    Fuck it. Why bother buying expensive clothes for a growing baby/toddler? Seriously. Also, anyone who has to name drop to feel good about herself is clearly deeply insecure and kind of fucked in the head.

    Can I say “fuck” here? I guess I should have asked first.

  8. Butrfly4404 says:

    Funny stuff, girl.

    I’ve never been in a Norstrom’s either (I really don’t care if it’s possesive or not, I assume it is – I’m from MN and we like to put s’ on stuff – Like “anyways”).

    Even if I was, I couldn’t afford any of it! Geez, the most “name” brand clothes I’ve ever bought new are the Madden shoes I got off for $14. I did, however, find a sweet ass pair of CK jeans at a thrift store for $3 one time…and they had $2 in the pocket, so they were really only a buck.

    Oh, my, gawd…I’m a pauper.

  9. Mommy off the Record says:

    If it makes you feel better, I bought some See kai Run shoes for Little Guy and he got them all wet and now the leather is already getting worn. On the other hand, his $10 Target sandals are holding up great!

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