If I liked my coffee black, I wouldn’t have a problem

Piggy-backing on what Tessie’s hilarious post mentioned today, I cannot order coffee correctly. I’m one of those people who stares at the overhead menu, eyes glazing over the options and sizes and then when it’s my turn, there are many “uhhhs,” and “likes” and it’s as if I learned how to speak English by reading Sweet Valley High.

And if I pay with cash, I try to balance out my idiocy by making a grand gesture of plopping my quarter into the the tip jar. If the barista’s back is turned, I throw it in so that the little clink of my quarter is so audible that everyone in the store knows that I can’t be that much of an idiot because LOOK! I am putting money into a money receptacle! I can do that! Even if it takes me three minutes to spit out, “tall white chocolate mocha.”

I can’t order under pressure. I don’t suffer social anxiety so much as after-the-fact anxiety, in which I obsessively analyze the stupidity that just spews from my big bloated mouth. For example, I tried to sound all cool to my rowing enthusiast collegues when I shared that I would have loved to be the “coxswain.” You know that little guy/gal who repeats, “Stroke.” I’m sure there’s a lot more involved than that instruction, but I can’t think of another position that would allow me to fake a British accent. And only after my feigned stint in talking up things I have no idea about, I learned that it’s not pronounced cox-swain, but more like cox-sin. (See also: the time I pronounced it HIPPO-CRATES) And then they knew I had never really been to a regatta and that the last boat I was on was the one that brought me to America.

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Comments

  1. HA! That reminds me of that Seinfeld episode where George puts money in the tip jar, but the guy behind the counter doesn’t see him, so he tries to take it out and put it back in and gets caught.

    My ordering anxiety is so bad that I’ve been known to order the exact same thing as the person in front of me, just to be safe.

    Also, THANK GOD you mentioned that coxswain thing, because I GUARANTEE that has saved me from some future Embarassing Incident.

  2. For awhile, I refused to order anything, anywhere. i made my husband do it.

    No idea why. it passed. Weirdness.

  3. you live in seattle and don’t know how to order coffee? there is something terribly wrong with this picture hehe

  4. anne at annenahm.com says:

    Ha! I cannot order anything in a size ‘tall’ or ‘venti’. I have to say ‘small’ or ‘large’. I just object to the idea that their coffee is too Starbucky for regular size names.

    Sometimes? The barrista totally tries to shame me into using their lexicon with the raised eyebrow and the, ‘do you mean…?” trailing off thing.

    Still? I say ‘large’.

  5. I thought it was pronounced with a SWAYNE, too. This is like when I realized it wasn’t “eppih-tome” but rather more like “e-pidda-me.”

  6. Butrfly4404 says:

    don’t get me started on the mispronouncing things. You now the Noonies from SNL? I compare myself to them because I apparently pronounce a lot of things wrong. I stopped caring.

    Haha, I finally figured out a coffee to order at Starbucks (because I knew it was lower-cal) and I remembered the name so I WOULDN’T forget it. It was f-ing plain coffee. I was ticked. Four dollars for something I can get free on Mondays from McDonalds!? Shame on you, starbucks!

  7. I haven’t thought of the Sweet Valley High books in, like, forrrr-ever!
    LOL. Thanks for the trip down memory lane.

  8. Absolutely Bananas says:

    Seriously? That’s a pretty major confession for a Seattleite!!

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