stick a fork in me, I’m a mom.

I want to carry a card that says I am no longer allowed to share my birth story especially when I am around people who love to share their own. Granted, I am not against other people telling their very unique tales of birthing beautiful babies, but I am done. I am done.

Couldn’t I have one of those punch cards you get that give you a free cup of coffee on your 10th purchase, but only this one will say, “Hey Mona? Is this the tenth time you’ve told people that your mother insisted on counting during your contractions only she wasn’t in synch? Guess what? You are out of turns for this vaginal yarn!” I almost wrote vayarn just now and that just sounds like a bad babywearing product. Like, “I love my vayarn, but geez, I can’t walk with my baby up in my lady business!”

Like Izzymom, I want to date other mothers, too, but I need to find my own tribe. Often times, the only thing I have in common with other mothers I meet is that we gave birth. And that’s where the similarities end. Of course, we made babies the same way, but no one talks about those fun times or the “honey, I’m watching the game,” position.

I need a mother who still has stories about debauchery and no-gag reflex victories and geez, would they get off Britney’s back already? I want a mother who’ll say, “Mona, let’s meet at the park. I’ll bring the flask.” I want to confess dark tales and not feel like later on, it will be replayed to her husband with an added, “Can you believe what’s happening to Mona? I am SOOO happy we are not that [insert my self-induced crisis here]! High-five for us!”

I want to say, “Nathan spent the entire evening spinning around in circles. He was turning left the whole time!” I don’t want to hear, “Wow, that’s great, Mona. I wish I had more time to talk, but I just bought these Latin flash cards, so uhh, good luck with that spinning around thing Nathan does.”

Why does it feel like sixth grade all over again? Only now, the stakes are higher. Instead of our friendships hinging on whether or not I returned the Lisa Frank stickers, I am dismissed because I haven’t introduced Nathan to Gymboree. And are you kidding me with that price? There’s a park down the street and that’s Gymbo-free.

How did it get so difficult to find an ideal mom buddy, someone who’d say, “Mona? You’ve had a hard day at work? There, there now. Here’s a tequila shooter to make it better.”

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  1. I hear this. Sometimes I think that I can only accept new mom friends if they have a blog so I can go and read all their archives and calculate the ratio of “uses of the phrase FUCK IT” to “uses of the phrase LOW-FAT”. Hint: the ratio should be HIGH.

  2. Type (little) a says:

    Oh, Mona, I’ll date you. šŸ™‚

    Because I have NOTHING in common with the moms in my daughters school. NOTHING.

  3. Amen. It’s way more complicated than just befriending someone because they have cute shoes. There’s like a zillion more variables involved.

    Although I really like Tessie’s litmus test.

  4. grrltraveler says:

    I hear ya too. I won’t pass Tessie’s litmus test though because I don’t use “FUCK it” on my blog (now in person, it comes out of my mouth often and i am convinced Emer’s first word’s will be ‘For FUCK’S sake’ which I learned from my husband and always say with an irish lilt)!

    Hopefully we’ll get to meet one of these days. (or maybe we shouldn’t, and then we can always be the ‘mom friends that could have been’ and we won’t be disappointed). lol

  5. if i lived closer and had a baby.. i have a real cool flask that i can show you in the park. šŸ™‚

  6. oh yeah I TOTALLY hear you. I’d date you except I don’t date YOUNGER WOMEN. Yes, I’m bitter that I’m almost 30!!

  7. Just to let you know, I am so far babyless (just gimme 6 weeks or so) but for the most part my lady friends and I are all a bunch of swearing lushes with children; and I mean that in a comforting, good way.

  8. hello insomnia says:

    I would date older women. I am an equal opportunity dater.

  9. My daughter, at the tender age of 13 months, was the one to bring the coolest, bestest friend/mom into my life. My daughter and my friend’s daughter became buddies before they could even walk. Now they are in kindergarten and I can’t imagine my life without them in my family.

    Kim in Missouri.

    Mona: sorry though I know you are having daycare problems as well. Just wanted to share that just when I thought there were no cool mommy’s to be found I found one.

  10. This post brought me out of lurk-ville, yay me! Linda ( told me about your blog awhile back and I have been reading ever since, I guess I’ve just been shy. Anyway, I feel your pain. I live on the ‘eastside’ and it can be trying to say the least. I had a mom at the library announce that she would never let her child wear scary clothes as my son sat next to her proudly wearing his Halloween shirt with bats on it. Sigh. I find it excruciating trying to make friends. I feel like I am at a Kenny G show with a Slayer shirt on. I would gladly meet you in Seattle sometime to commiserate. Just say the word.

  11. Hey Mona-

    Lisa here. Be careful when talking shit about the mom friends you have when those mom friends read your blog! And yes my son does wear some gymboree, but that doesn’t make me an asshole.

    I am an asshole in my own right, thank you very much, not because my son wears gymboree!

    I’ll think twice about calling you with a ridiculous Britney spoof video in the future…

  12. Shit – too bad you don’t live in Michigan, I’d date you! LOL

    This is the very reason I read both you and Linda (Sundry). You are NORMAL!!! I’m so sick of these Stepford-Wife perfect mothers whose lives are all sunshine and happiness and their kids are their life. Sure, I LOVE LOVE LOVE my son, but I’m still a person with my own personality and career and goals. Sheesh! Sorry I’m not out there with the ladies down the street with the big parachute and 50 kids around it. I have a 10-month old and YES! folks he can be a pain in the ass – just about daily, to some degree. My house is a disaster all the time, and I’ve given up on losing the baby weight. Work is my sanctuary of peace, quiet, and the internet 4 hours a day. Hallelujah!!!

  13. Chickenbells says:

    Dang girl! If we lived closer…I’d totally date you. I don’t have kids yet, but I love all of my friends that do, and their circle spinning kids…and I’m always handy with a bottle of wine or a lemon merengue martini! There’s got to be some cool moms where you live…I can’t believe there’s not a website for mothers who need playgroups!

  14. The Payne Family says:

    I couldn’t agree with you more regarding this post! I have NO mom friends, how sad is that?! None of my girlfriends have kids yet and probably won’t for awhile. It’s just terrible! I’d date you, fellow blogger mom with child!

  15. mamacita chilena says:

    I’m bookmarking this page so someday when I become a mom I have someone to model myself after šŸ™‚

  16. I baby sat my friends’ two-year-old twins the other day. They were entertained for an hour just by spinning in my computer chair, for another hour playing with the magnets on my fridge, and for even another hour just dancing to the band, Architecture in Helsinki. There ain’t nothing wrong with that.

  17. Butrfly4404 says:

    I would date you, I really would.

    I have a hard time making friends, too. Maybe it’s because I’m anti-social. Maybe it’s because I’m generally a bitch.

    All I know is: I thank the Lord for the internet. šŸ™‚

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