About two years ago, some idiot at Krispy Kreme had the brilliant idea to satisfy my mother’s request for a glazed doughnut without the glaze. And for two years, she has held the belief that this special request can be replicated despite how many times I tell her that this was a fluke. Let me tell you this now: you cannot order a glazed doughnut without the glaze unless it is one of the times they are making doughnuts. Did you get that? Okay, could you tell my mother that? I drove my mother to Krispy Kreme just so she can hear the tinny voice of whomever was lucky enough to work the drive-thru that day explain that the closest thing to the glazed doughnut without the glaze is the cake doughnut.
She stared at that black ORDER HERE hole like the lady was crazy because hello, that is a completely different doughnut and another Krispy Kreme employee made it happen so you make it happen.
And if we drive by a Krispy Kreme, she’ll insist that we pull in because according to her, “It doesn’t hurt to ask!” Yes it does, mother. It hurts me because I have to hear the same effing question every time.
She won’t settle for the cake doughnut, like she won’t settle for anything that isn’t the exact thing she requested. If she wants Tylenol but I bring her the Target brand because it was $3 less and has the same exact ingredients, she will inspect the bottle as if she’s looking for the MADE IN CHINA WITH LOTS AND LOTS OF LEAD line and refuse it because it was not Tylenol. Even though it really was Tylenol.
And since my mom’s flying back to Saipan this Saturday, I thought it would be very nice to place an order of special glazed but unglazed doughnuts, which would be ready when the moon was in the seventh house or 5PM, whichever came first. And what did she say after I drove almost two hours through rush hour traffic just to deliver what she wanted exactly as she wanted it?
“Thank you, Mona. But the next time you come here, can you bring those pretzels from the mall?”
Oh, but where was my brother in all of this fried dough debacle? My brother who is hosting my mother and could easily pick up these doughnuts at any time, but has passed the pastry buck off to me? He’s too busy trying to kill the wabbit.