About eight years ago, I was at a high school party when a girl hit on me. I don’t even think that’s the proper word for it because what happened was that I walked into the room to get my purse and she jumped out, naked. And it was dreamlike, because when you’re in a dream, you know what is going on and what is required of you even though nothing is explicitly stated. She just stood there, with her body yelling, “Here I am, rock you like a hurricane! Except I’m all nudey! Jazz hands!” Only, there weren’t any jazz hands.
I grabbed my purse, zoomed past her and didn’t stop until I was in my car, safely heading home.
What was I supposed to do? Hug her? I could not bring myself to hug a beaver flasher. You wouldn’t excuse a guy who pulled out his wang, like, “Hey, the party’s right here!”
Even if I had been into women, I could never have reciprocated this girl’s advances. Earlier in the evening, she had shared her “poetry” and I use quotation marks because the poetry was terrible and worse, it rhymed. I can’t do the deed with someone who writes rhyming poetry. There are infinite possibilities with the English language and you remove so much of it with that restriction. She had submitted her “work” to the contests that advertise in the back pages of Seventeen, the ones next to “Trace this turtle and you’re accepted into our prestigious art school (once your check clears).”
Rhyming poetry is my deal breaker. You can’t date someone who smokes? Has toes long enough to curl back and fill an elf’s shoe perfectly? Okay, I can’t date anyone who writes on the following: 1) the depths of the soul 2) the alabaster flesh (Isn’t there a Wiccan circle missing you right now, Azrael?) or 3) urinary tract infections (UTI sonnets exist!).
And I’m telling you this because I watched Tila Tequila’s reality show, A Shot at Love. Who’s betting that she ends up with a guy? I am.
Also, I found Nude Poet this evening on MySpace. She now plays the drums in a industrial-goth band called, “Dark Prince’s Left Nut.” Not the real name, of course, but still it has it testicular theme. How many themes can the testicles have? There are only two, after all.