I think I need mouth to mouth and other inappropriate things I did not say at my son’s check-up

This afternoon was Nathan’s last appointment at the clinic he’s been to since he was three days old. Mike and I decided to move him to a children’s clinic closer to our house, one that doesn’t involve destroying our brakes by jerking through downtown traffic or for the sake of my son’s innocent and budding vocabulary, require that I replace my normal slew of road rage swear words for phrases like, “CHEESE AND RICE!” and “HOLY HARRY POTTER!”

This afternoon was the first time for me to experience the magic that is the Hot Doctor. Internet readers, not one of you said, Mona, you should go find a hot doctor. That will make fighting rush hour traffic worth it. I’d be willing to be dropped in a pit of Tae Bo trained monkeys that I’d have to battle before getting to Hot Doctor. Bring it!

I shook his hand and introduced myself, thinking “WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN ALL MY SON’S LIFE?” But once I stopped acting like Robert Deniro in Awakenings and wiped the drool from my hanging mouth, we had the most in-depth discussion about Nathan’s habits and health. I didn’t have to fire off my requisite check-up questions because he was in a hurry. Hot Doctor patiently played with Nathan, called him “pumpkin” and nodded at all my concerns about his weight. (Nathan weighed in at 30.5 lbs. Someone do the math and tell me how many meerkats that is, por favor.)

“Oh, he’s growing perfectly. He’s perfect for his height. He’s just big!” Hot Doctor laughed. (That’s what I’ve been saying all along…but about myself. I’m just big-boned, especially around my butt.)

I lied to Hot Doctor when he asked me if we spoke another language at home. I said, “Yes, we do! I speak Chamorro to him!” This is only slightly true. In the rare moments when Nathan still needs to be breastfed, I’ll repeat loudly as I unfurl my sweater puppy, “Susu! Susu! Susu!” Basically, I’m yelling to my son, “BOOB! BOOB! BOOB!”

There were many things I wanted to ask Hot Doctor, like how I want to teach Nathan math and number sequences, so hey, what’s your phone number? Or even more blunt inquires such as, “Baby, why you so fine?”

As incredibly good-looking as Hot Doctor was, I still had to submit the paperwork to transfer Nathan’s files. If Nathan’s next appointment is not as satisfying, I’ll have the memory of Hot Doctor and some of his DNA on my skin because I am never washing my hand again.

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  1. “Baby, why you so fine?” HAHAHAHA!

  2. Butrfly Garden says:

    HAHAH! You’re so funny!

    There are more hot doctors out there, Mona! You just have to stalk, er, look for them. My clinics post the doctors pictures online…I’m guessing now this is the reason.

  3. “CHEESE AND RICE!” I am totally going to be using that.

    How about, ‘My kid’s practicing photography. Can he take your pic?’

  4. Oh yes for sure. Next time you go, “mess” with your phone and “accidently” take a pic of this hot doc. My friend had a FINE exterminator once (I know! Who knew?) and she actually turned her webcam on and pointed it towards him so I could see. And he was fine. So now you owe us!

  5. Favorite parts: “I’m just big-boned, especially around my butt.” “Baby, why you so fine?”

  6. What no picture? We’re supposed to take your word for it? HELLO girlfriend, help a sister out here and next time bring your camera.

  7. I have the unfortunate privilege of having a hot dentist. Do you know how demeaning it is to have hot dentist wipe your drool.

  8. Love it.

    And “What the dumbledore” will be my new profanity of the day just for you.

  9. Chickenbells says:

    Damn…I gotta’ have me some kids!

  10. Ask him to pose with Nathan for a pic for Nathan’s baby book!!! You know, for posterity’s sake and all…

    And then just pray he doesn’t find your blog.

  11. This is hilarious! I have a hot family doctor. He was still a resident when we first started seeing him. It sure makes going to the doctor a treat.

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