about the time I was a high school rebel and wore pants

I never went to prom

I never went to my senior prom because my school never had one. I attended a small baptist high school that denied prom because it promoted promiscuity. Oh, that baptist high and their puns. Puns and insistence that people eat babies on Halloween. And women shouldn’t wear pants. Bonus: We watched Pamela’s Prayer often, a movie which advises against pre-marital kissing. KISSING! Because kissing is a gateway to whoring and whoring is a gateway to blogging. About whoring.

They also saved money by printing out tests on the backs of old grade sheet copies, so if you wanted to know the grades of another class, you could just flip your test over and voila! Private information made public! I don’t know what they did with that fortune, maybe they purchased the sequel to Pamela’s Prayer in which Pamela uploads a virus into the alien computer and saves the world. Wait, that was Independence Day? Whatever. It probably had the same stupid ending, only with Pamela pwning the church ladies’ cookie committee. Oh ginger snap!

I was the class salutatorian which means a lot until I tell you that there were seven people in my graduating class and four of us were salutatorians. I don’t know about that one.

My school covered grades 8-12 but there was never a student body larger than 57.

The Canterbury Tales was banned because the Wife of Bath’s Tale was considered porn. Also considered porn? Glamour magazine.

Instead of prom, our annual event was the Thanksgiving Presentation in which each grade had to perform a song and dance routine. Again the point of this was to keep teen girls from getting pregnant which is what teenage girls are bound to do, right? Boys have no accountability and cannot be called whores or get expelled for becoming pregnant.

But I got around that by having my premaritial sex all year except for Thanksgiving Presentation. In fact, while all my friends were getting VD’s, I contracted VS: Vaginal Sars. After many hospital visits and medication, I managed to get my vaginal sars under control, but I did have to quit my weekend gig performing a cigarette and shower show. Sad one, that.

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  1. Type (little) a says:

    Vaginal Sars! Make sure your whorish vagina doesn’t breathe on me.

  2. hello insomnia says:

    Don’t worry. I can’t do handstands anymore.

  3. The first time I read this I thought you wrote “vaginal SCARS” and I was all “damn, that girl does get around.”

    Vaginal Sars is even better though.

    Comic gold, my friend.

  4. Butrfly Garden says:

    You know my little thing about the Baptists in my area. A bloggy friend familiar with my town mentioned the idiocy in how many teenage pregnancies there are in an area that thumps the bible so much. (Psst, guess how they “fix” it? Teenage marriages!! – it’s totally cool as long as they don’t live together first!)

  5. thecandyqueen says:

    I didn’t go to prom or have one either. I went to the alternative school in the district for people like those pregnant teen whores and gang kids. Which is kind of weird since I was a virgin til I was 18.

  6. This is funny. I went to The World’s Largest Baptist University and if you ever had a guy in the dorms, even during approved “visiting hours”, they had to yell MAN IN THE HALL every few seconds.

    I love a good Crazy Baptist story.

  7. Oh My God, Baptists. You know why Baptists can’t have sex have sex standing up, right? It’s too much like dancing!

  8. It sounds to me like US Baptists are a whole lot crazier than Canadian Baptists, speaking as a Canadian Baptist.

    My public high school did not have a prom, because prom is not a big thing here in BC. Not sure why. Maybe it’s some Baptist background I don’t know about

  9. hello insomnia says:

    Angella: I’m not very schooled on the Baptist sect, and I didn’t mean to generalize.

  10. Glamour as porn. Hee. Also awesome? Thanksgiving presentation. Skits and songs are a lot less slutty than dancing and wearing fancy outfits.

  11. my school didn’t have a prom either. boo.

  12. You are hilarious! I bumped into you through type little a…and so glad I did. I will be back. With friends.

  13. Chickenbells says:

    Yeah…I had to “tempt” a guy I knew had a crush on me to take me to my senior prom…and I paid for most of it to boot (much like college, it wasn’t worth it)

  14. Momisodes says:

    “Vaginal SARS” Oh the hilarity!

    I somehow managed to find you while NaBloMoPo-ing.

    So glad I did and will surely be back.

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