I never went to my senior prom because my school never had one. I attended a small baptist high school that denied prom because it promoted promiscuity. Oh, that baptist high and their puns. Puns and insistence that people eat babies on Halloween. And women shouldn’t wear pants. Bonus: We watched Pamela’s Prayer often, a movie which advises against pre-marital kissing. KISSING! Because kissing is a gateway to whoring and whoring is a gateway to blogging. About whoring.
They also saved money by printing out tests on the backs of old grade sheet copies, so if you wanted to know the grades of another class, you could just flip your test over and voila! Private information made public! I don’t know what they did with that fortune, maybe they purchased the sequel to Pamela’s Prayer in which Pamela uploads a virus into the alien computer and saves the world. Wait, that was Independence Day? Whatever. It probably had the same stupid ending, only with Pamela pwning the church ladies’ cookie committee. Oh ginger snap!
I was the class salutatorian which means a lot until I tell you that there were seven people in my graduating class and four of us were salutatorians. I don’t know about that one.
My school covered grades 8-12 but there was never a student body larger than 57.
The Canterbury Tales was banned because the Wife of Bath’s Tale was considered porn. Also considered porn? Glamour magazine.
Instead of prom, our annual event was the Thanksgiving Presentation in which each grade had to perform a song and dance routine. Again the point of this was to keep teen girls from getting pregnant which is what teenage girls are bound to do, right? Boys have no accountability and cannot be called whores or get expelled for becoming pregnant.
But I got around that by having my premaritial sex all year except for Thanksgiving Presentation. In fact, while all my friends were getting VD’s, I contracted VS: Vaginal Sars. After many hospital visits and medication, I managed to get my vaginal sars under control, but I did have to quit my weekend gig performing a cigarette and shower show. Sad one, that.