Chuck Norris does not blog

I was telling this lady the other day that I’m turning 25 in January and she said, “Well you don’t really know yourself until you’re 35.”

Great. I have ten more years of people saying, “Mona, who the hell do you think you are?!?!” but at least I can respond, “Who the hell do I think I am?!?! I don’t know! I’m not 35 yet!”

I called my mother last night. I could tell that she was still upset, but she asked about Nathan.

“He said his first word last night, Mom.”


“Yes, he said, ‘Grandma.’ Actually, it was a sentence: ‘I love you Grandma!'”

I don’t think she was impressed.

Last week I took Nathan to the doctor to check out a huge sty that had developed on his left eyelid.

He was waddling down the hallway, but because he was zig-zagging instead of moving forward, I put my hand on his back and ushered him toward the examining room. He fell face forward onto the carpet.

“Up, up, up!” I said.

“Oh, I saw that. You pushed him!”

I turned and there was one of the doctors, laughing at my fallen son.

I smiled dumbly and responded, “Oh, ha-ha, yeah.” That’s eloquence, verbatim.

What I wanted to say was, “Oh you should see how I push him at home! You should see how he falls down the stairs!” I couldn’t crack a joke with someone who has a direct line to Child Protective Services.

I have enough to worry about.

I bought an 8-lb container of popcorn kernels from Costco. I thought this was a brilliant idea because it meant that I could have popcorn anytime. On my own terms! VICTORY IS MINE!

Now, I’ve only eaten half a pound and I already hate it. I hate popcorn. What’s worse is that you can’t make anything else out of popcorn like a popcorn casserole or popcorn fritters. Hey neighbor, try out my popcorn trifle! Wait, where are you going! I ADDED BACON!

My coworker suggested parceling out the rest of them into mason jars and adding a Netflix or Blockbuster gift card for an easy Christmas gift. That would still require work and my actually giving gifts. I’m sure if I gave everyone in my family a Christmas gift, it would spread such joy that their little hearts would burst and they would write in their diaries about how popcorn is the gift that keeps on giving. This would be great, only I don’t give gifts to everyone.

Kind of like how Chuck Norris’ tears can cure cancer, only he never cries.

Any suggestions on this, dear internet friend?

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  1. Looks like you’ll be doing the popcorn garland on the Christmas tree this year.

    Popcorn fritters with bacon don’t sound half bad, if you ask me.

  2. Type (little) a says:

    Actually, I was just reading a slow cooker recipe last right (GOD! am i that OLD that I use a slow cooker?? Answer: Yes) for cheesy-beer soup, and it suggested you top it with popcorn.

    So what’s that? 12 pieces per bowl say?

    I’d say you had better get going cooking all that soup.

  3. thecandyqueen says:

    Duh! Popcorn balls! I’m pretty sure I got a good, simple recipe from (where I get all “my” recipes) and made them a few years ago for X-mas. I put the balls on top of store bought ice cream cones, put them in a clear cellophane bag and tied it with a ribbon. I brought those to the family of my boyfriend at the time and they were a HUGE hit. Super easy.

    Anyhoo…I’ve been 26 for a few months now and I still don’t know who I am. I doubt I ever will…ooooh…spooky. I hate how people say shit like that just to say it. That woman obviously has problems.

  4. bananafana says:

    all I can think is that popcorn and bacon are both so good that there has to be a way to combine them. i guess go with tessie’s suggestion of the garland but now my little brain is going to be working on popcorn/bacon recipes all day.

  5. It also makes good packing material. But! That only works if you’re GIVING presents, MONA.

  6. If I don’t know myself by now, I don’t WANT to. I’m not spending 35 years with a stranger, only to sudden have her get all FAMILIAR.

    Popcorn balls—mmmm. I also have a good recipe for caramel corn, but it is a pain in the butt.

    I like the gift jars idea. Except it’s a little lame when I think of RECEIVING it. Someone once gave me baking cocoa in a jar and I was like, “Oh, you repackaged baking cocoa for me! How THOUGHTFUL!”

    Put it in little lace baggies and throw it at weddings.

    Pop it all and put in in a wading pool and let Nathan play in it and then let the birds eat it.

    Throw it to ducks at the park, presuming you have a park, and the park has ducks, and that popcorn doesn’t kill ducks.

    I guess I’d go with packing material, except you’d have to pop it. Oh, I know! Trash bag weight!

  7. Chickenbells says:

    I think it would work great unpopped for sand in a sand box (well, unless you had hungry kids over…then it makes a great sandbox/snack…until you had to explain to parents why their children are now going to the park and eating dirt) and you probably wouldn’t have to worry about covering it as the neighborhood cats wouldn’t use it as a giant litter box…probably.

  8. You could make caramel popcorn balls with bacon pieces mixed in and give them to Linda for Christmas šŸ˜‰

  9. stfu? nfw. says:
  10. Who needs Legos when Nathan can have popcorn toys? I like the gift ideas with certificates and make sure to send your mom one too:)

  11. All I can think of is the house full of popcorn in the movie Real Genius. Do THAT. That would be cool.

  12. mamacita chilena says:

    People are always telling me, when you turn 30 you really come into your own (I turn 24 in Feb. I’m not quite there yet).

    I don’t get it. As if I were worried that I’m not into my own right now. What does that even mean?!?

    As for the popcorn dilemma, I would go with some good old fashioned Lawry’s Seasoning Salt. Throw on a heavy dose and eat away šŸ™‚

  13. Mrs. Blogoway says:

    I have 3 things to say.
    1. I bought one of those giant cans of already popped popcorn during Christmas one year and it got old really fast.
    2. I hate Chuck Norris. We stayed with my in-laws for a week one time and they watched “Walker Texas Ranger” EVERY night. It was horrible.
    3. You’re on the right track by NOT giving out any Xmas gifts because Santa is only two letters rearranged from Satan. LOL.

  14. Whew! One more year for me until I am to become enlightened!

    You crack me up!

  15. The name's Anais. says:

    I actually love that popcorn jar gift idea. I know a few members of my family who love popcorn yet just never seem to buy any for themselves. Weird.

  16. Butrfly Garden says:

    I acutally might steal that idea, you know. Wal-Mart sells glass jars for a couple bucks a piece. I bought them last year for hot cocoa and tied a pretty ribbon around them. I thought everyone hated them (my kids did), but everyone has been asking me if I will make them again this year.

    Also, I second the garlad and the packaging. And if it wasn’t a choking hazard, I’d totally agree with the playing in it. (Actually, here in Bumpkin Land, we took the kids to play in a corn pool – it was just dried kernals of corn, but not popcorn). The Man was just telling me a couple days ago how he heard on NPR that fresh popped popcorn (I needed the clarification…WHAT ABOUT ALL THAT BUTTER???) is an eco-friendly way of packaging gifts..rather than the evil packing peanuts.

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