I just used my imagination

This weekend I watched Knocked Up and can I say how much I needed to hear a beard joke like, “Was it difficult changing your name from Cat Stevens to Yusuf Islam?” Halfway through the movie I had to direct my hyena laugh into a pillow lest my neighbors wonder if we wound animals in the living room.

And thanks to Knocked Up, I know what it looks like to push out a baby, at least how Hollywood illustrates a cannonball being shoved through the eye of a needle.

I have never seen that, not even during my labor. I refused the mirror because I was going through enough stress at the moment with the epidural wearing off and my mother insisting to count OUT OF SYNC. Also, there were so many people coming through the room, witnessing my goodies–my husband, doctors, nurses, orderlies, American Idol contestants, Alaska-bound tourists, many of whom gasped in horror, “Honey this is not CARNIVAL CRUISE!”

I did click through a labor and delivery website during my pregnancy and the pictures were so bloody and graphic, I couldn’t tell which was the baby’s head and which was the beaver. Someone should have gone in with MS Paint and airbrushed a line of demarcation. It worked for the Civil War and they didn’t even have babies, beavers, or Windows XP! That website could have used the same technology that football games utilize when a yellow line shoots across the screen to indicate how close it is to a first down. Curious expecting moms and not-curious-but-forced-to-look-dads would know which is the baby and which is the beaver.

With Thanksgiving this week, aren’t you thankful there are no pictures in this post?

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Comments

  1. Ha! I just used my imagination, too. All four times. Isn’t it enough that I’m DOING it, why the hell would I want to WATCH?

    Holy crap, the word verification thingy is giving me about 15 random letters. I like the 5 letter ones.

  2. Butrfly Garden says:

    Very…THANK YOU.

    I laughed my ass off at that movie, too. I loved that my mom told me, “It’s pretty funny…but I wouldn’t watch it with the kids.” Gee, thanks, mom! I’m so glad, because we usually include them when we watch R rated movies about young people having sex and unplanned babies!

    I got the, um, joy? Of seeing my sister born. Nothing will ever unscathe these eyes. I don’t know if it was worse when the doctor told us “LOOK! THAT’S THE HEAD!” Or, “You need to come watch this…[horror. absolute horror.]….THAT, kids, was the placenta!”

  3. Type (little) a says:

    I refused to look either. And my husband informs me that was a wise decision.

    And I had the circus atmosphere in my delivery room too. I kept expecting the guy who pick up the elephant shit.

  4. Okay now I have to see the movie…I didn’t watch either when i had my 10 pound baby. My husband did and lets just say a took longer then 6 weeks for him to wanna go back there….Maybe thats one of the reasons we adopted the next two…

    BTW I haven’t heard it called a beaver since middle school….LOL!!!

  5. thecandyqueen says:

    One thing about that movie though…didn’t you think it was weird that she was hairless down there?! Oh, I’m 9 months pregnant and going in for my monthly wax! I’m sure all the pregnant ladies do that!

  6. hello insomnia says:

    jmc: I removed the word verification. There have been so many times when I couldn’t even verify a word and this is my blog!

    amy: I totally forgot about seeing my sister’s placenta. with good reason.

    typelittlea: I didn’t get the elephant dung pick up guy, either.

    linda: it’s worth watching.

    thecandyqueen: I didn’t have enough energy to even look down, let alone get that Hollywood kind of downtown smoothness.

  7. I took mine down for a while, too, but then I got all kinds of spam comments, so I had to put it back up. Here’s hoping you don’t get the spam. šŸ™‚

  8. I love this post. Oh lord have mercy.

  9. Chickenbells says:

    I’ve seen pictures too…thanks for not posting any…and why do they stop you in the middle of labor to ask if you want a look in the mirror? I mean, I figure you know what you’re doing and you may need to concentrate…or in your case, direct people to the all you can eat buffet on the lido deck…

  10. Demarcation. Ha.

    I’m glad our camera was totally out of whack when I was in labor.

  11. Mrs. Blogoway says:

    Hold on, I’m laughing.. still laughing. O.k. this post brought back really great memories of when my little girl was born. My lady Doc had warned me that she wouldn’t be available on the weekends if I went into labor, I would just get whoever was on call. So when do I go into labor? Saturday night, of course. I got this guy doctor that delivered M. and then as he’s stitching up the episiotomy he says to the nurse, “I’m sure craving a Kit Kat.”

  12. i so didn’t need to see that in Knocked Up. i didn’t see it all three times i actually gave birth…why must i see it now?!?!?!?!

  13. Knocked up is hilarious although i have to agree with you about the whole ‘birthing’scene .. I had to ask my husband if thats what it really looked like. I wasn’t gonna look

  14. it’s fairly realistic…you know if you kept up a brazillian during 9 months of pregnancy…oh, and it’s a little more bloody than that

    but yeah, that movie cracks me up

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