Yesterday I went to the mall.
It was the absolute worst day to venture into retail hell because I’m sure the 20,000 other people there were thinking, “If I shop today, at least I won’t be the jerkface who waited until Christmas eve to buy gifts, and at least I’ll be better than Mona who didn’t buy her husband a gift last year until CHRISTMAS DAY and had to resort to whatever the only drug store open had left!”
I would have told each person passing by with his beady judgmental eyes that, “HEY! My husband loved his $30 Visa gift card, paperback copy of Running With Scissors and Planters Mixed Nuts: Special Christmas Cashew Edition!”
All Mike wanted was a jean jacket which (spoiler alert!) none of the stores carried! I shuffled through the masses with my son’s body hanging out of the stroller, his blanket catching in the plastic Graco tires. I swooped in and out of congested stores, flagging any employee down who would look at me. Again and again, I heard, “No, we do not carry jean jackets for men. Why don’t you check out the S.E. Hinton Outlet where the Greasers line is 70% off?” As I was exiting the Gap, I caught a glimpse in the mirror of what these employees must have seen: a frizzy-haired woman suffering from face Ebola.
I did finally find the jacket tucked in a warren of men’s sportswear racks. I dropped the Seahawks sweatshirt and cap I had settled on and grabbed my denim prize. Sorry, retail employees, maybe if you weren’t so afraid of my face Ebola, I would have put them back where they belonged.
I spent about one dollar on this gift for Nathan. I’ve been noticing a surge in classic Fisher-Price gift nods and luckily, I found this Fisher-Price Chatter Telephone at a thrift store. I picked up an armful of books and small toys and left spending only $6.24. That’s all I spent on Nathan’s Christmas presents.
Nathan’s small vocabulary doesn’t include phrases like “Halo 3” or “BUY THIS ELMO NOW WOMAN!” If Nathan ever gives me that kind of smack talk, I’ll have to call Chris Christmas Rodriguez. He’ll know what to do:
Merry Christmas, my dear internet friends!