in which I attempt to grow a pair

My bank account’s back to normal, thanks to several exhausting phone calls in which I had to listen to interminable Josh Groban ballads or Christmas muzak until the customer service drone came back after talking to her “team leader.” I don’t think she ever talked to her team leader. She probably put me on hold, finished a couple more Sudoku puzzles and then huffed a, “There’s nothing we can do, ma’am,” which was customer service speak for “Lady, why don’t you grow a d**k and suck on it?”

And during this call, I said, “Fine. I’ll just call back then,” which was customer speak for, “Thanks for being so succinct! I’ve been saying, ‘Why don’t you sprout a penis and perform fellatio on yourself?’ But that’s too many words!”

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  1. Glad you got that solved. Those are horrible situations to be in – because you feel so damned powerless.

  2. Bwahahahaha!!!! That is priceless!

  3. Chickenbells says:

    Thank heavens for small miracles…either sprouting a penis OR getting your bank account back on track.

  4. Glad it is straightened out.

    Prepare yourself for one more horrible fuck up in this matter, because there is always one more that comes lurching out of the dark right after you heave a big sigh of relief for having resolved all this fiasco.

    Like those horror movies where the dead bad guy grabs you by the ankle.

    Just sayin’. Ho-ho-ho Merry Christmas.

    anne at

  5. Ah, I hate being put on hold. Next time, ask them what they were doing? Tell them in the amount of time you waited that you did actually grow a pair; I bet their response will be priceless : )

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