Mona’s Year in Review

2007

Ah, 2007, my friend. You were a good year to me. Like remember when we had the Tila Tequila Drinking Game in which we had to take a shot whenever Tila said, “I’m a bisexual”? You knew how to have a good time, 2007. Let’s hope 2008 is just as fun as you are, and even more of a riot than 2006.

Here’s a rundown of my favorite posts, videos, and pictures from these exciting, expensive and exhausting 365 days. Thanks for reading.

I wouldn’t say my vagina is adorable.

Am I really too fat to
help fight against cancer?

I got a job! A paying job! With benefits! Break out the exclamation points, who’s expressing strong feelings now, playa!

Sorry, dear husband. You’re really savoring the meat section from Safeway, not the soul of Tenochtitlan.

I felt like I was back in my short-story writing class with the idiot, who smoked pot in the woods and got water for his bong from a puddle, explaining that the robots added to the “dream of fiction.”

I don’t know what’s more awkward to hear, a bad writer admitting she’s a bad writer and bringing it up a notch with a compliment that makes no sense or being recognized as having secured the advancement of man. I seemed a lot smarter when my mouth was full of cheese.

“…half of Nathan’s room is our office, so when I tell you that his nursery theme is Microsoft Word, I’m not kidding…”

There are few things in life more embarrassing than contemplating, “How big is my ass that a call from under it would include roaming charges?”

My pants are so big, they’re like two windsocks sewn together. I’ve gotten offers from used car lots to borrow my conical leggings so they attach it to a high powered fan and turn it into one of those air-blown balloon attractions used to attract customers.

Resolved: Double strollers are cool and baby number 2 may be evil

Granted, if you’ve had a camera examining your crevices for a few hours, then you have every right to announce the amount of pain. But not in front of me, dude, especially when I’m waiting for my husband who may or may not have cancer. Let’s get all Depeche Mode and enjoy the silence, mmmkay?

I’ll clarify with this: my relationships on Saipan were tainted with “who the hell were you talking to” arguments.

If I’m already unsatisfied with the state of my breasts, why would I want them in a larger size? It would just be more of boobs I don’t like.

And in a neighborly way, I offered, “If we make too much noise, let us know because none of the people staying there before ever said anything.” But what I should have said is this, “NEVER let us know if we make too much noise.”

I tried to think up a sexy way to say, “Let’s not go into the bedroom yet. I have to find the airpump first.”

Women in their 20s don’t have minds of their own; they don’t gain wisdom until menopause!

Fat and gassy: does that sound glamorous to you, Stacy Ferguson?

He shuffled into his house and shut the door behind him and if I could have struck him down just with dirty looks alone, he wouldn’t have made it to the porch.

Have you ever heard that phrase? Butter face? Like in, “Everything about her was fine but-her-face?”

I’m trying to think of a witty name to call the escrow idiots. Es-hoes? Doesn’t work. That sounds like I’m dissing some latinas. Break out the cervezas ’cause es hoes esta aqui! Note to self: must hone biting comments, need not be bilingual.

If someone had told me two years ago, “Mona, don’t spend $171 on MAC makeup because you’ll need that money for your unborn child,” I would have said, “You shut your mouth with that baby talk. They’re offering FREE SHIPPING!”

I guess this is what they mean when they say there are a lot of boobs in Washington

Truth is, I’ll never be able to begin a sentence with, “I was shopping at Nordstorm’s the other day…”

But what they did instead was draw some acid-trip math equation, some circles that look like butts and initials.

After watching the Sopranos series finale last night, I have one question for David Chase: Um, the hell?

…what kind of woman waits in a parking lot until 9PM for a car that may or may not show up? (Answer: streetwalker!)

She asked me once, “So, do you WAWK?” And I said yes because I wasn’t sure if she had asked me if I walk or if I work because yes, I work and to get to my work, I call upon my mobility.

I can just imagine sharing with my moms group how I had paced the toy aisle at Target, and how it was between the penis and the Sit-to-Stand Giraffe and as you can see, the wang definitely won out.

only comic standing

Happy Indepants Day!

On the weekends, we have custody of my mother.

When I was 13, I committed the requisite teen errors in judgment such as the time I decided to show off the new dance move I learned from MTV’s The Grind which in retrospect, should have been called, “The Slutty Limbo.”

When I was pregnant, I shared my wish for our unborn child with Mike: “I hope he has your eyes and my brain.”

A letter to my teenage self

the customer is always right, unless it’s my mother

I can’t talk with my foot in my mouth

I celebrate my alma mater through a variety of UW-emblazoned sweatshirts, t-shirts and single bumper sticker. But my husband? He paints the inside of our garage purple and gold.

“It’s not ‘who can pee now.’ It’s ‘who can it be now.’”

“Of course I’m not pregnant!” The minute I said that, the voice of God bellowed, “Hello, Mona? Did you know denial is a river in Egypt? Just some geography trivia for you!”

Even if I said, “Well, sometimes I drop him off at the taco truck on the corner,” they’d say, “Oh that’s great. He’ll be able to order burritos in Spanish! HOLLA! I mean, HOLA!”

I need a mother who still has stories about debauchery and no-gag reflex victories and geez, would they get off Britney’s back already?

I told Mike last night, “I would like to have another baby. But it doesn’t have to be with you.”

this is what you get when you marry me

This afternoon was the first time for me to experience the magic that is the Hot Doctor.

In which I stared at a lot of boobs but in a non-lesbonic way, though there’s nothing wrong with that ’cause, hey, everyone experiments freshman year

Children, did you know that all Africans are all about their hair! Yes, it’s true! There was also a civil war over a coke bottle that fell from the sky! Also true!

there was much swearing when this happened

I opted for the Mirena IUD instead of the copper version after hearing so many stories about copper wire theft. It’s desperate times, people!

Because kissing is a gateway to whoring and whoring is a gateway to blogging. About whoring.

On Iowa and why I can’t take narcotics

I want the space and freedom to freak out. I want to have the ability to tell someone there’s something wrong but we’re working on it.

We’re raising a homeless man. What’s that? Your son is going to be a doctor? My son is going to be a transient.

can he hear me now?

Two more life lessons from Tupac: 1) how to make a dollar out of fifteen cents and 2) California sounds a lot cooler if you pronounce it “Californ-i-a.”

Why I refuse to watch Desperate Housewives

mona, interrupted

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Comments

Tessie says:

December 28, 2007 at 7:58 am

I love this idea of linking to your favorite posts.

The thing you wrote this year that makes me laugh and laugh is the entry about your mom saying you needed to “reduce”. Hee! I thought of it just last night, I don’t know why that is so fucking hilarious to me, BUT IT IS.

Happy New Year, I’ve enjoyed your blog this year, and every year.

Reply
annenahm says:

December 28, 2007 at 8:24 am

What a great year! Hope you get good and drunk and write something funny for New Years (plz!)

Reply
Pickles & Dimes says:

December 28, 2007 at 12:20 pm

Yay! Thanks for linking to your favorite posts – I’m fairly new here, so it’s nice to catch up!

Have a great New Year!

Reply
thecandyqueen says:

December 28, 2007 at 1:28 pm

RE: “I wouldn’t say my vagina is adorable.” I think it’s pretty awesome that you found a doctor, even if she was a substitute, that seemed half human. I can’t manage to find a gynecologist with a sensitive bone in her body. Go figure.

Reply
Angella says:

December 28, 2007 at 2:34 pm

Great idea! I was thinking about doing the same, after I do a post for G’s birthday tomorrow

It’s been great getting to know you!

Reply
Bananas says:

December 28, 2007 at 8:03 pm

MONA!!! Every time I read your blog I think, WHY aren’t we hanging out??!

Reply
Butrfly Garden says:

December 29, 2007 at 6:49 am

Me thinks that’s about a book…no? Not yet? Maybe in ’08?

Happy New Year, Mona!

I’ve missed you!

Reply
Sandy C. says:

December 29, 2007 at 9:30 am

Whoa! Almost a novel Every time I come here hubby thinks I’m off my rocker giggling away over here!

I’ll have to go through the links to past entries.

Reply
The Saipan Blogger アンジェロ・ビラゴメズ says:

December 30, 2007 at 3:43 pm

Your year in review kids my year in review’s ass.

Damn.

Reply
The Saipan Blogger アンジェロ・ビラゴメズ says:

December 30, 2007 at 3:53 pm

By the way, my Mom in Florida loves your blog. She says she’s a “lurker.”

Reply
Mama Drama Jenny, the Bloggess says:

December 31, 2007 at 6:02 am

No, really. I’m totally in love with you.

Come live with me.

You can bring your hangers-on.

Reply
Drew says:

December 31, 2007 at 2:30 pm

Of course I sang along! I’m so happy I met you. Happy new year!

Hurray!

Reply

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quick 411

On the plane! Not shown: kid on my lap, 300 Annie's cheddar bunnies on my shirt.

I'm Mona. Chamorro. Funny gal. Working mom of a boy named Nathan (born 2006), toddler named TJ (born 2010), wife of a man named Mike and a resident of Seattle. I am originally from a small island called Saipan and I try to stay out of the rain, mostly.
"Kirida" is a Chamorro word bestowed on females, mostly the youngest or the favorite. I am the youngest of five children so you can figure out who the "kirida" was.

Read more here.

Email me at mona {at} at kirida {dot com}

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