the list

Mike and I have separate lists of unattainable celebrities with whom we are given carte blanche to hook up if said unattainable celebs are suddenly attainable and are all, “The afterparty’s at my body!”

I’ve been pretty open with Mike about who has earned coveted spots on my list–men like Justin Timberlake (shut up), LOST’s Sawyer, and Bear Grylls (I’d like to change his show to Mona vs. Wild and he has to save me but honestly, I really don’t want to be stranded on the tundra, instead I’d like to dial 1-900-Mix-A-Lot and kick them nasty thoughts, if you know what I mean. Bear would answer and then whisper dirty stuff telephonically like, “Oh yeah, you’re dehydrated in the Sahara but I’ve brought you some moist camel innards.” HOT!).

I don’t really care to hear Mike’s list because they house the women Mike grew up with such as turn-of-the-century tart Susan B. Anthony. “B” is really short for “Booty,” and even that had to be abbreviated because her full name–“Susan Dance Too Much Booty in the Pants Anthony”–could not fit on a coin.

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  1. thecandyqueen says:

    I prefer Jack to Sawyer (I know, I’m boring). And Bear Grylls? I saw that episode of Man vs. Wild where he guts the camel and crawls inside it and I could not be more turned off than I was then. :/

  2. Oooh, I love this kind of list. JT is on mine, too, so if I come across him, all unencumbered and raring to go, I’ll be sure to pass him along to you for sloppy seconds.

    Susan “Booty” Anthony? That’s hilarious. I like your brand of humor.

  3. Anonymous says:

    Baby got coins.

    …. I made your list, right?


    Oh man. The sound of *crickets chirping* is not encouraging.

    anne at

  4. L to the mutha’ humpin’ O L.

  5. says:

    Kevin Bacon is on my list, and Chris totally knows it. He pretends to be annoyed but really I I know he just thinks it’s funny.

  6. mmmm sawyer.

  7. stfu? nfw. says:

    OK, I’ll admit it… Michael Buble. But he has to sing to me before we get down to business.

  8. Oh yeah, it’s like the “laminated list” from Friends! Sadly, my husband thinks Isabella Rosellini deserves a spot on his list and mine would definitely include Mr. Grylls too (we could share him?) – I’d eat bugs with him anyday!

  9. 1-900-Mix-A-Lot! That is The. Best. song from the 90’s. Lists like that are hilarious.

  10. your husband is funny.

  11. Sawyer from LOST. Oh my god, I thought I was the only one who loved that delicious jerk. Screw Sayid and Jin and especially JACK. I am a Sawyer girl, all the way.

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