why I refuse to watch Desperate Housewives

When I was six months pregnant, Mike and I attended a taping of Northwest Afternoon. For those not living in the Northwest or those who do not watch television in the afternoon because your coolness > my coolness, Northwest Afternoon is your typical useless local programming–an hour of pandering to women who love crafts, cookie recipes and Soap Opera Digest. I never understood Soap Opera Digest. What are you digesting? The same damn storyline?

Why couldn’t there be a Soap Opera Cut to the Chase periodical? It’d be a one page print-out with some random soap star on the front and big bold headline reading: SHE DIES! And you’d flip it over to read: BUT COMES BACK TO LIFE! And next week’s Special Pins and Needles Edition headline would read: THEY GET MARRIED! Flip over: BUT ARE KIDNAPPED BY COBRA COMMANDER!

Since the show we attended had already been taped, the only live portion was Cindi Rinehart’s talking version of Soap Opera Digest. Before taping began, she spoke to the audience about what she was going to talk about including LOST and Desperate Housewives and asked, “Who here loves LOST?” I raised my hand. “Who here loves Desperate Housewives?” The woman next to me practically jumped, saying, “Yeah! It’s so addictive!” Cindi nodded and said she would ask us what we thought of the shows on-air.

I sat in the front row with my enormous pregnant gut casting a shadow on my feet readying myself with witty lines about LOST. Cindi skipped over audience participation until she said, “Oh I have some juicy tidbits about Desperate Housewives.”

Cindi then looked directly at me and said, “What do you love about Desperate?”

I wanted to say, “How about nothing? I hate Teri Hatcher.” Instead, what came out sounded like I had just emerged from an English as a Second Language class, having just corrected my erroneous but succinct, “Me love you long time,” to, “I am prepared to love you for a great length of time.”

“I love it.” I spat out in a monotone-fresh-off-the-boat-voice. “It’s great.”

“You love it?” Like, come on pregnant ESL grad, give me something that sounds like, I don’t know, a coherent answer?

“Yeah. Uh…It’s addictive?”

I don’t even remember what happened after that. I’m sure that the producer screamed into Cindi’s earpiece, “Move on from stupid pregnant woman! I repeat–MOVE ON!”

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  1. I hate Desperate Housewives. I simply do not understand its appeal. Is it really that funny/edgy/intriguing? All of those actresses irritate me, too. Meh. Me no likey, either.

  2. Chickenbells says:

    I have not bothered to watch the show at all…and I feel like it would take up too much of my life to start at the beginning and watch now…I can’t afford to be addicted to another thing (besides…I’d much rather indulge the chocolate habit)

  3. thecandyqueen says:

    Cindi Rinehart looks like a leather handbag and watch out…Cause she lives in West Seattle! No joke!

  4. hello insomnia says:

    @ jen: I ask those questions all the time.

    @ chickenbells: chocolate wins.

    @ candyqueen: I can take her.

  5. I like the idea of the cut to the chase periodical. I’m totally investing in that stock once you go public with it.

    I hate desperate housewives also. Ick.

  6. I don’t like Desperate Housewives because it sucks.. To me its just about whiny middleaged women complaining about their dreary lives. I have much better things to do – like eat chocolate and soak in the bath until the water gets cold!

  7. Hey, I’m not a Teri Hatcher fan either! Teri-Hatcher-disliking High Five!

  8. I am not a fan of the show either. I’ve never made it through 5 minutes of an episode without an overwhelming concern that one of the ladies would soon haunt me in my dreams in a bathrobe.

  9. skiplovey says:

    There’s a ton of shows I don’t watch, that one included, and I always feel a little like a leper when everyone slavishly talks about the episodes and there I am…. who? what? who cares?

  10. I would have said that my husband and I loved the first season, but then we stopped watching because it SUCKS. Then I would have smiled sweetly.

    Not really. I probably would have just sat there grinning foolishly while beads of sweat dripped down my face. So I think you did great!

  11. mrs. blogoway says:

    Mona, you crack me up. I can’t believe they didn’t ask you about LOST! You could have mentioned how much you hate the others, or how hot Sawyer is…

    The only taping I’ve ever been to was when I was 8, at the Donny&Marie studio in Utah!

  12. Cindi Rinehart is so bizzaro. I bet she did it on purpose to see what you’d do.

  13. kiridablogreader says:

    I have to say I’ve always been a fan of the show but I can understand where you’re coming from. Sometimes, it bores me but I still find myself watching. It was nice to read the opinions of others, thanks!

  14. I think the show is violent and abusive. The last episode I saw featured one of the wives, Bree I think, running around behind her husband’s back to get their son circumcised.

    I’m a medical student. I’ve studied the respiratory/neural response infants undergo due to pain, and the pain a baby boy feels from having part of his penis cut off is nothing short of torture. His heart rate reaches 180 beats per minute during the amputation (little or no anesthetic can be used because it’s toxic to the infant nervous system), and their cortisol levels go off the charts and stay there for weeks. Oh, and 2000 or so sexually specialized erogenous nerves are permanently removed, don’t forget you’re taking away some of his sexual pleasure too.

    A baby only a few days old, being put through that, being played for laughs on national TV.

    Come to think of it, I’m not sure why I don’t like the show, I think abusing children is great.

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