I did not make it to the open house because I spent three house in another open house called the Department of Motor Vehicles. See also: Hell, Seventh Circle Of. All I had to do was renew my license and this task set off a series of stupid things that ate up my time. First, I thought, this is a simple deal, how long could it take? Stupid thought, numero dos: This will be so fast, I won’t need a book or anything to occupy my time.
When I stepped into a room of over 200 people, I should have just turned around and fled to the nearest white mocha-lactating Starbuckian teat, but instead, my third stupid moment was taking my number and sitting down.
I waited for three hours, all the while thinking, Mona, a smarter person would have been prepared for this. Then I responded to that nagging inner voice with, But I am smart! I have my cell phone! I will just call everyone I have ever known, maybe prank call a few people and when I am done, I will just conquer Bomberman! Again!
After three hours, my number was finally called. The woman asked me to look into the box and read the first line, but it was so blurry that I thought the first letter was a Möbius strip. I panicked that they had inserted symbols and missing clues from LOST into the licensing renewal exam. Luckily, the woman was nice and asked me to finish reading the other lines, which had plain letters and not empty boxes from Sudoku puzzles.
So in short: I could be smarter, I need glasses and whenever I get my grande white chocolate mocha, I mimic the breastfeeding suckling noise and yell in a high-pitched voice, “MAMA!” Baristas don’t find this funny, FYI.
Later that night, Nathan got so wasted at Drew’s place that he started performing drunk toddler yoga positions. Here he is illustrating the downward dog.
He drunk dialed Drew on a rabbit from Archie McPhee’s. Luckily she had a deer phone so she was able to take the call.