runaway juror

The trial was short but exhausting. The case hinged on one man’s allegations that he was maliciously harassed by a homeless man. All throughout the jury deliberations, I did my best not to refer to police officers as the po-po or any of the law enforcement monikers I learned from Snoop Doggy Dogg’s first album. I also refrained from lines like, “My civic duty? More like my civic booty!”

And now that it’s over (not guilty, reasonable doubt), I can go back to my normal life of equal opportunity judging. First, I’d like to judge all the people who clog up the aisles at Costco because they’re salivating over teriyaki meatballs and organic raisin bran. I don’t know what magical power dome surrounds these sample tables, but it transforms normal people into crazed vultures who just stand there idly waiting for their three-inch cheese sandwich morsels, oblivious that their carts impede the flow of well-meaning people who desperately need a bag of frozen dino nuggets to appease the house dictator whose name starts with “N” and ends with “ATHAN.”

Last night, we watched Atonement and throughout the movie I kept thinking about all the people who spew the line, “Well, the book was better than the movie,” and while I have been that person, (sadly yes, but don’t worry! I have since re-stocked that pseudo-superior part of my brain with banal warehouse shopping escapades and fart jokes) I loved this movie, completely independent of the book. I’m sure I would have cried but my decrepit black heart got in the way. And tangentially, I’ve been told that The Notebook is supposed to make one cry, but I don’t have enough estrogen to sit through it (see also: why I only got to page 85 of Eat, Pray, Love–she was still gorging on gelato and her self-induced existential crisis when I gave up).

I’ll confess to you dear, internet friend, I don’t remember the last movie that caused me to weep big ugly tears. The only movies Mike and I watch are ones that have any of the following 1) Bad guys, 2) Large guns 3) Matt Damon driving in reverse and shooting bad guys, and 4) Bruce Willis shooting down a helicopter and restoring electricity to the tri-state area without screaming, “DUUUDE!”

Do you and your significant other clear out the action movie section at Blockbuster or do you both have your paws on the tissue box when Christian Slater tells Marisa Tomei that he has a baboon’s heart, but–spoiler alert–it’s untamed!

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  1. We watch them all, but since I’m okay with the non-chick-flicks, we generally see more of the action and drama stuff. Oh, and comedy. If any crying is done, it’s by me, though it USED to be that I didn’t cry. In fact, when I was younger, the only movies that made me cry were “Old Yeller” and “My Girl.” After 4 kids, my hormones are FUCKED, and I cry at Hallmark commercials.

  2. I should update to say that I cried over Charlotte’s Web. That song about Zuckerman’s famous pig just gets me.

  3. I would pay CASH MONEY not to have to see The Notebook. I’m not opposed to a little emotion, but I hate the kind of sap that’s designed purely to elicit unearned tears.

    You were so restrained during your jury duty!

  4. I only cry once a year. Why waste that on a movie when I can warp my husband with it?

  5. Arg! The Costco sample whores kill me every time. The stopping your cart mid aisle to grab a piece of a burrito? LAME!

  6. annenahm says:

    I agree with swistle – I will pay money not to have some storyline come over and soullessly dry hump my tear ducts into some kind of submission.

    Also, in that kind of story, I always find myself secretly rooting for the bad ex boyfriend.

    I never made it through The Notebook (my continued eye rolling and groaning convinced my sister I was having a seizure or something), but in Titanic I kept thinking the Billy Zane character was way m ore awesome than pretty boy Leo.

    Yes, I blog in your comments. What are you going to do about it?

  7. FunnyGal KAT says:

    I NEVER cry at movies… except one. I cannot get through “Stepmom” without big, fat tears rolling down my cheeks. And, since it’s on TV at least three times a weekend (and I can’t seem to resist it), that’s a whole lot of crying.

  8. Pickles & Dimes says:

    I have made a pledge never to see “The Notebook.” I cry easily enough as it is, no need to force it.

    Actually, last night Jason & I watched “Major League,” my favorite movie ever, and I cried at the end when Bob Uecker screams, “They did it! They did it! Oh my god, the Indians did it!” even though I’ve already seen the movie A HUNDRED TIMES and it is a SPORTS COMEDY.

  9. willikat says:

    you know what movies really get me EVERY time? awakenings, and homeward bound. they’re both on my banned list, as they reduce me to a hiccuping, snotty mess. i cry at a lot of stuff, including extreme home makeover…. but mostly we watch documentaries, because we’re nerdy like that. as for fictional accounts, we draw a mix of the action/romance sectors, never really straying tooooo far into either genre, as it’s guaranteed one of us will tune out 20 minutes in.

  10. grrltraveler says:

    Since I created the Netflix account with my email address and password, I usually pick the movies. Hubby has always said he’s going to get online and pick movies after I forced him to watch Pan’s Labyrinth (pretty good), Volver (painful), Motorcycle Diaries (fantastic for the scenery) and The Lives of Others (also excellent) on Friday night. Reading subtitles is not his idea of a good movie night. But hey, if you don’t get online and make the choices, you don’t watch what you want. We’ve seen all the Bourne movies and Die Hard as well, so he can suffer through a few I want to see as well. šŸ˜‰

  11. I hate movies that are designed to make me cry.

  12. i was forced to watch the notebook and i still lie, “oh? i’ve never heard of that movie! hmm..”

    damn those sample biatches man!

  13. thecandyqueen says:

    ha! I liked Atonement too and a lot of the reviews I read said the movie was BETTER than the book!

  14. Shirley Eugist says:

    My sampling mantra at Costco is: SWOOP AND GRAB! (like a hawk). That is, wait a fair distance away while they are preparing the food, being all nonchalant, like you’re looking at the cranberry-flavored jo-jos in the freezer or something. Then when the food is ready and there’s an opening, swoop and grab, and keep on movin’! This way you don’t have to listen to any sales pitches, and you get a tasty reward for your hunting prowess. : )

  15. Butrfly Garden says:

    “I Like Funny” is my movie motto. I HATE scary movies – I’m completely high strung as it is…I don’t NEED any more *Suspense!* or *Thrillers* in my life. And obsessive gore ruins movies for me, too. That sometimes turns me off from action flicks and “epics” – but a lot of our movies are from this genre. I don’t like dramas or chick flicks very often (although, at the absolute most dreadful time in my life, I DID get the Notebook and Bawled and Bawled and Bawled – but I had to watch that alone). And, something we only realized and don’t do on purpose, but I RARELY ever see Oscar-nominated movies. Going against my own grain, we have “No Country For Old Men” at home. I’m not excited to see it, but Mike is and I’ll deal.

    Jury Duty sounds like it was a real, um, fun? time. I hope I never get picked. I know some people get excited about it. I just don’t think I could. Plus, I’m a pretty condemning person. I’d just assume they were guilty.

    (And because of everyone else’s “confessions” I will say that my favorite movies are probably family movies and a lot of them can make me cry. But, like JMC, commercials can make me cry, so it’s no big feat.)

  16. alright, i guess i’ll be the loser and admit that the notebook made me cry.

  17. mrs. blogoway says:

    We watch all kinds of movies but I AM LEGEND is about the only action type movie I will agree to see. I hate those shoot ’em up kind with no character development.

    We saw THERE WILL BE BLOOD Sunday afternoon and it was incredible! I absolutely loved it. DDL totally deserved the Oscar.

  18. Marianas Pride says:

    “I am Legend” was pretty depressing. Why do all future flicks have to be so sad? What if the world actually got better?

    Atonement put me to sleep. Actually, I got more pleasure out of my root canal than sitting through these two movies. I don’t think I’ll be reading the book anytime soon.

    Mona, I sent you an e-mail. Did you get it?

  19. We watch them all, but prefer the genre that includes Old School, Knocked Up, and Office Space.

    Can I just tell you how glad I am that someone besides me has seen Untamed Heart? Because I l-o-v-e-d that movie so much when I was an angsty teenager.

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