The trial was short but exhausting. The case hinged on one man’s allegations that he was maliciously harassed by a homeless man. All throughout the jury deliberations, I did my best not to refer to police officers as the po-po or any of the law enforcement monikers I learned from Snoop Doggy Dogg’s first album. I also refrained from lines like, “My civic duty? More like my civic booty!”
And now that it’s over (not guilty, reasonable doubt), I can go back to my normal life of equal opportunity judging. First, I’d like to judge all the people who clog up the aisles at Costco because they’re salivating over teriyaki meatballs and organic raisin bran. I don’t know what magical power dome surrounds these sample tables, but it transforms normal people into crazed vultures who just stand there idly waiting for their three-inch cheese sandwich morsels, oblivious that their carts impede the flow of well-meaning people who desperately need a bag of frozen dino nuggets to appease the house dictator whose name starts with “N” and ends with “ATHAN.”
Last night, we watched Atonement and throughout the movie I kept thinking about all the people who spew the line, “Well, the book was better than the movie,” and while I have been that person, (sadly yes, but don’t worry! I have since re-stocked that pseudo-superior part of my brain with banal warehouse shopping escapades and fart jokes) I loved this movie, completely independent of the book. I’m sure I would have cried but my decrepit black heart got in the way. And tangentially, I’ve been told that The Notebook is supposed to make one cry, but I don’t have enough estrogen to sit through it (see also: why I only got to page 85 of Eat, Pray, Love–she was still gorging on gelato and her self-induced existential crisis when I gave up).
I’ll confess to you dear, internet friend, I don’t remember the last movie that caused me to weep big ugly tears. The only movies Mike and I watch are ones that have any of the following 1) Bad guys, 2) Large guns 3) Matt Damon driving in reverse and shooting bad guys, and 4) Bruce Willis shooting down a helicopter and restoring electricity to the tri-state area without screaming, “DUUUDE!”
Do you and your significant other clear out the action movie section at Blockbuster or do you both have your paws on the tissue box when Christian Slater tells Marisa Tomei that he has a baboon’s heart, but–spoiler alert–it’s untamed!