This is my obnoxious and bulky behemoth wallet. I can barely schelp it around in my purse. This massive all-encompassing-of-my-personal-information trove would only fit in the pocket of a flasher’s coat. Though, that might not make sense since wouldn’t flashers have to pack light? You know? To facilitate the flashing?
My wallet-trunk fits everything flimsy card I’ve ever owned. Aside from the usual debit and credit cards, I’ve packed in useless items like three versions of my driver’s license. It’s like a before, after, and way after photo montage! There are crumpled phone numbers, five different frequent-customer restaurant cards with about ten stars left before I can have a free drink at any of them, a year-old eyeglass prescription which I really needed at the time because I couldn’t see the television clearly and that’s what glasses are for: TV, my college ID card (and svelte college jawline, unlike my current post-doc dog jowels), movie ticket stubs, business cards of people whom I am sure are multi-millionares now, a library card I’m afraid to use because it took me two and a half weeks to return the last book and the next time I check something out, the library computer will belt out a Color Me Badd falsetto that sings, “Girl, you are so fineeed!”
So are you like me? Do you have a George Costanza wallet? Or are you one of those people who can function with a $10 bill, a driver’s license and a stick of gum which would be why my mom was right about you, my internet friend. You’re such a good influence!