Hey Answers!

Thanks for participating in the first ever Hey Mona! Q&A.

thecandyqueen asks, “Hey Mona! Why am I so moody ALL the time???”

Hey thecandyqueen! You need to fill your life with happy activities, like answering the question, “Which Sex In The City character are you?” I am Miranda’s nanny, Magda. And sometimes, Steve’s mom, especially when her dementia set in and she was picking pizza out of the trash. We’ve all had those days.

Erik asks, “Hey Mona! You often refer to the exorcism of your dear Nathan….can he really turn his head 360 degrees?”

Hey Erik! No, Nathan cannot turn his head but sometimes his farts are so noxious, he levitates.

Swistle asks, “Hey Mona! Explain to me why postage rates KEEP BUMPING UP so that I ALWAYS have to use a second stamp on an envelope. Why not just CHUNK it up a big notch and then give us some PEACE for awhile?”

Hey Swistle! I hear you on this. I bought a ton of forever stamps, but then I used them all up. They did not last forever, lying liars who lie.

annenahm asks, “Hey Mona! I’d like to learn how to drop it like it’s hot. But right now I can only drop it like it is luke-warm, and picking it back up before some slips off to the floor has been a real challange. Could you vlog us an instructional? You seem to have it going on. Thanks.”

Hey Anne Nahm! Yes! I will be posting up a video with my tips on how to drop it like it’s hot or at least tepid. I’m just trying to choose which pajama bottoms I’ll wear to model these awesome dance moves.

Tamara asks, “Hey Mona! Since you’re such an awesome photographer, can you give me some tips on looking 100lbs lighter in my pictures????”

Hey Tamara! Photoshop your head onto someone else’s body. But make sure you have similar skin tones or else, you know, it’ll look fake.

JMC asks, “Hey Mona! Why is it that I always have a million questions, but as soon as someone offers to answer one, I can’t think of any?”

Hey JMC! I’ll just give you an answer anyway: Stilton Cheese!

Tessie asks, “Hey Mona! You are a picture-takin’ fool. What’s one thing you wish you had a picture of, but don’t?”

Hey Tessie! I don’t have a picture of me holding Nathan right after he was born. Mostly because Mike didn’t know how to work the camera and hello, I just gave birth, do I need to do all the work here?

audrey asks, “Hey Mona! How come nobody else is getting the punctuation of “Hey Mona!” correct? And why, oh why, isn’t my beautiful lawn coming back so beautifully this year? Does it know I’m having a party in 6 days and it just wants to make me look bad? Will it come in all green and gorgeous the day after the party? WTF, lawn?”

Hey Audrey! Why don’t you start your party at 11 PM? It’ll be too dark to notice the lawn color. Also, if you get people drunk enough, no one will care about the lawn.

Coleen asks, “Hey Mona! How did you and Mike hook up?”

Hey Coleen! Mike and I were introduced by The Candy Queen and then Mike clubbed me over the head and brought me back to his cave.

Banana asks, “Hey Mona! Can you give us a tutorial on how do you flirt with the over 70 set?”

Hey Banana! If you want to lasso in some hot geriatrics (it’s not hard, they can’t move fast–joint problems), try out these pick-up lines at your local ICU, hospice, or bingo hall:

Baby you so fine, I bet you have all your real teeth.

Hey baby, where were YOU when JFK got shot?

Is that titanium in your hip or are you happy to see me?

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Comments

  1. Thanks for that answer! I thought of a question, but now the answers are already up, so here’s one for your next round of “Hey Mona!”:

    All those “where are they now” shows about child stars always include everyone except Missy Gold (the kid from “Benson”). They even include her sister, Tracey Gold, but always leave out Missy. Why is that, and what happened to her?

    Also, what happened to Blair and Natalie from “The Facts of Life”?

  2. annenahm says:

    lollerskating! Please do more, so that I may sit back and larf at your funniness! And don’t think I’ll forget about that vlog promise. I never forget when somebody else is supposed to do something.

  3. Freaking awesome.

  4. thecandyqueen says:

    I’d probably turn out to be Berger (Burger?) cuz I’d rather break up on a post-it than in person.

  5. Swistle says:

    Hey Mona! Can we play this again soon?

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