going cold turkey, or rather, cold tofu

-If “vegan” appears anywhere on food packaging, it is more expensive. However, that extra money saves me time on reading. Thanks marketing geniuses! I wish they’d just get to the point already with their nutrition facts and ingredients and just slap on an “om nom nom nom.”

-While shopping with Nathan at PCC the other day, he started squirming and squealing because of the lack of trans fats and rBST-laden milk. So I opened up a package of chips and by the time we got to the cashier, his face was covered with honey dijon crumbs. The lady noticed my son stuffing his face with carbs and told me that all children under the age of 12 can get a free piece of fruit whenever they come into the store. But she must have sensed my delight and obvious “YOU MEAN I CAN GET FREE STUFF?!?!” face and subsequent, corrective, “YOU MEAN MY SON CAN GET FREE STUFF?!?!” face and added, “But you can’t take a watermelon,” therefore dashing any hopes I had of opening up a one-watermelon-in-stock fruit stand.

someone's hand got into the shot

-I had this dinner last week: chicken seitan strips in gravy, couscous and corn. I shouldn’t have listened to Coldplay before cooking because this dinner’s allll yelllooow. I should have also had my dinner behind some baby gates because whenever this kid sees food, particularly MY FOOD, he rushes over like he has to elbow his way to the last hot toothpick beef sample at Costco.

-I’ve read somewhere that the world’s cow population is leading to global warming because of their farts and the methane gas eating at the ozone layer. But what about all the people who give up beef and eat beans instead? What about their toots? Because hot gassy damn! Anne Nahm’s hilarious fart feature pretty much explains how farts travel in this house. However, I cannot and will not fart in public and I make every butt-clenched run to ensure this, which is inversely proportional to the males who live in this house. We never play the “smelt it, felt it/denied, supplied it” mystery game because the farters are rarely stealth, like Nathan, who will lock eyes with me and giggle, “YEAHHH!” while odorous pockets of air gurgle out through his chunky butt cheeks. BTW is there anything NOT FUNNY about farts? (Yes, I’m five! Mommy, wow! I’m a big kid now!)

-Whenever I am asked why I’ve done something so drastic like giving up bacon, I point to my feet and answer, “GOUT.” With my family history of bypasses and high blood pressure, I’m doing my best to strike against any diabetes-induced amputation. Though, it’s tempting to drunkenly declare, “My name is Mona. I don’t eat any meat or dairy. And I’m rockin’ one leg!”

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Comments

  1. Tofu: You’re damned if you do and you’re damned if you don’t.

  2. annenahm says:

    Thanks for the linkage! Nice to be remembered when people are thinking about butts.

  3. mona, i had no idea you blogged about this! i asked you a bunch of questions and the answers were here all along. šŸ˜‰

  4. I got nothing Mona.

    Except your brilliance is cracking me up.

  5. Oh, and you are totally going to be prepared once Nathan gets a little older and his farts beg the use of a gas mask . . .

    you can thank my 2 older ones for that nugget of info.

  6. mrs. blogoway says:

    We laughed at this so hard when it was first on SNL. Hilarious. Maddie says Amy Pohler is her favorite funny lady. She can now mimic her exactly from some cartoon she’s on now?

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