this is not all about an iphone, wait, yes it is

On Friday, my husband drove our small family to the mall to pick up an iPhone and since we had left at 5:30 PM instead of having slept there since Wednesday morning, we were completely shut out. As you’d imagine, the lines were long, the staff at the AT&T store laughed at me when I asked if there were any iPhones left and Nathan decided to use this frenetic time to test how long he can wail until someone stuffs his open maw with nacho cheese Doritos.

Yesterday, I arrived at the mall entrance at 6 AM. There were ten people huddled around the door. There were mostly guys, save for the one teen with her father and an older tan blond woman who was probably smokin’ hot in the 70s, but holds on to these remnants of the girl-you-so-fine memory by putting pink streaks in her hair, donning bejeweled acrylic fingertips and toenails and wearing a belly-exposing top.

I wouldn’t have minded her look because a sister can work it at any age but the woman JUST KEPT TALKING. The entire hour and a half I waited in line, I could hear her blab on about how much she knew about technology, and how she was told you couldn’t activate the phone in the store if you were an AT&T customer (not true, and also, no one says they love technology unless he/she is Napoleon Dynamite’s brother or wanking it while reading Slashdot).

The store finally opened a little before 8 AM, and I wasn’t seen until 8:15. It took me about 10 minutes to activate the phone and choose some accessories. As the Apple employee asked me questions, I tuned him out while performing my excited DOUBLE-FIST PUMP IN THE AIR!

And as I walked out with my shiny bag in hand, past Butterface and the 50 people-deep line, I received applause (without having to take my shirt off!) and remarks like, “Another satisfied customer,” and “Let’s jack her when she leaves! She doesn’t look like she can run very fast!”

I’m going to donate my old phone which I’ve had since 2003. It’s so old, it doesn’t even take pictures. It’s so old, I receive my bill on a stone tablet. And sometimes it drops calls and flashes a “Please insert sim card” even though, hello, it is in the same place.

I can see why there have been some grumbles about the iphone–the battery drains quickly during heavy browsing, you can’t copy and paste, you can’t text a picture, it doesn’t cure erectile dysfunction, (though, ladies, there is a vibrate mode–heeeyyy!), yet despite all this, I’m going to rent the finest motel room $20 bucks can buy so I can have some alone time. Can you say SUPER MONKEY BALL?

What I love about this iphone is the ability to twitter fun things like, “iphone keeps correcting ‘mona’ as ‘mons.’ I’m not a vagina, fyi.”


I also love that I can take photos with my dear husband who bought this phone for me. The first shot had completely cut off Mike’s head, to which he said, “Did you even want me in this picture?”


Best of all, I can take and send quick pictures of Nathan reading Goodnight Moon upside down. Goodnight Vertigo!

How’s your weekend been treating you?

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  1. Wait–phones can TAKE PICTURES?

  2. Chickenbells says:

    Congratulations on the new phone! The boy and I are deeply jealous of anyone with an iPhone…but alas, the coverage where we live is only really good if you have Verizon (I was jonesing about not bringing something home in an apple box the other night while at Best Buy…sigh)

  3. Ai, Mona. I jealous. iPhone.

  4. You aren’t a vagina!

    HA HA.

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