I can’t remember the last genuine conversation I’ve had with her.
By genuine, I mean, the kind of conversations we would have that would stretch afternoons and would leave the both of us laughing so hard, we couldn’t breathe. We had begun to lose touch earlier this year, our phone calls and visits becoming less frequent. Back in the spring, I was becoming frustrated when all my calls to her were unreturned. I would leave a voicemail with the same script, Give me a call when you can.
This went on for weeks. I would leave a message which would never be answered with a phone call, myspace holler or instant messenger nudge. I would leave one voicemail a week, then every two weeks and then I stopped. I left one final voicemail saying that I knew she was busy, but if she could call me back, I would appreciate it. I didn’t want to say more than that at the risk of sounding like Dimitri the Lover, or Single White Female (which would be Married Chamorro Female). I figured that since she had my number, she could call. She never did return my message. And that’s how it’s been since then.
I had talked to Mike about this, that a friend I had known for years and for whom I cared about very deeply was not making any effort to be an active friend. I didn’t expect much. I knew she was busy with her own life and home twenty minutes away. I wasn’t expecting her to drop by every day with cookies and jam. A simple call would have been nice. But she never appeared on the Caller ID screen or darkened my inbox.
And Mike summed it up like this, “Maybe she’s not that into you.”
I don’t think she’s a bad person. I think she’s a wonderful human being who is having all kinds of great changes occurring in her life. Maybe I am holding onto the memory of what we were as friends, as high school classmates and later roommates. Though every time I dialed her number, I felt so stupid to set myself up like that, to be more open than she was.
She finally sent me an email with her phone number and invited me to call to catch up. Reluctantly I did. Again, there was no answer and I left a simple message with the same words as before, “Hi, call me when you get a chance.” There has not been a return call which I predicted, or should have predicted.
Is it time to move on? To wish her well in her future and leave it at that? Are female relationships this complicated, or is it as simple as this: she’s just not that into me?