I have an old soul

Yesterday I had my annual exam. I don’t know about you, ladies, but I feel like I have to give my vagina Stuart Smalley daily affirmation pep talk before saddling into the stirrups. I told my vagina, “You’re good enough. You’re smart enough. And gosh darn it–people like you! Especially the 2000 Seattle Mariners line-up. And especially A-Rod, even though, giiiirl, you know he was more like A MINUS ROD!” Yeah, sometimes I talk to my vagina like I’m Rosie Perez. Trust.

So the exam itself was uneventful though peppered with awkward questions about what I did this summer while a METAL SPECULUM WAS INSIDE ME. I didn’t go to medical school, but swabbing my goodies makes it hard to share anecdotes about the tea cups! And the long line to see Mickey Mouse!

After the doctor was done, she asked if I had any questions and then she gave me some information on HPV. She asked if I wanted to have the lab perform the additional tests. While I was telling her that I didn’t think I would need it, she paused and turned to her clipboard. “How old are you?” She asked.

“Twenty-five.”

“Oh!” she squealed. “Nevermind! We don’t even screen if you’re under 30. Sorry about that! For some reason, I thought you were 30. I don’t know what made me think that you were older!”

Oh, could it be that you were staring at my old vagina for 20 minutes? Apparently, a vagina that is five years older than the rest of my body? Being mistaken as being older is only a compliment if you’re at Chuck E. Cheese and the big gray mouse asks if you’re eight or really eight and a half because you’re so mature for your age! I’ve never thought of my vagina as mature, Millennial if anything, but not five years my senior.

Where was this information when I was 16 and dying to go into bars? I could have said, “I’m underage but my vagina is legal!” Woot! And when I’m 55, I can start eating off the seniors-only menu and say, “I’m only 55, but can my vagina eat here? A medical professional said it was 60.”

But then as I was contemplating the idea of bebe botox (because you can’t really do any exercises for the the outer layers–yes, kegels help but they’re for the muscles and I have no plans of going on tour with a Bangkok-style ping pong show), I decided to turn this lemon into lemonade.

Lemon drop

Or rather, a blueberry lemon drop. Two of them.

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Comments

  1. I hate the annual. I got one coming up in month or so and I am not looking forward to it…
    And why do those things have to be metal? I’ve seen some that are plastic. I bet you those are not nearly as cold!

  2. thecandyqueen says:

    Actually I think you are lucky. Every time I go to the gyno, I feel like they always think I am so much younger because they are so condescending there. I’m always like HELLO, I’M NOT IN HIGH SCHOOL I KNOW HOW MY BODY WORKS. LOOK AT THE GOSH DARN DOB ON YOUR CHART, IDIOT.

  3. What, no photo documentation?

  4. Ouch! I love your example that being mistaken for older is only a compliment at Chuck E. Cheese. Totally agree!

  5. FunnyGal KAT says:

    A friend just told me this weekend that after she had her exam last week, her (female) doctor told her she has a pretty vagina! Can you imagine?!? I mean, I know my doctor is getting all up close and personal with my lady bits while she’s down there, but I like to pretend she’s actually just sitting across the room chatting with me and not even noticing I’m naked from the waist down and spread-eagle on the table. You mean she’s actually looking closely enough to judge its beauty? (*la-la-la-fingers-in-ears*)

  6. At my last annual exam, my doctor thought I was a college student. I was 28 and a lawyer, so no.

  7. I hate those forced conversations about the weather while someone is up in my area. Remind me to tell you about the time my gyno asked me OUT! Awwwwkwaaaard.

  8. Jennifer, Playgroups Are No Place For Children says:

    HA! I wonder how old my vagina is?

    Those conversations with the METAL SPECULUM inserted are oh so awkward.

  9. somethingcheeky says:

    Hahaha! I work in a gyn office, so this was really funny to me! Thanks for the tip on flickr Seattle…’ll have to go check it out!

  10. mrs. blogoway says:

    I’m dying laughing……………………………………………………..

  11. AHHAAAAAAAhahaha. my (old, male) gyno once told me i had “great breasts.” there was a context, sort of, but really there is NO CONTEXT that makes it ok. it was mid-breast exam.

  12. I have had the plastic things and its still really uncomfortable.

  13. Alex Elliot says:

    Now I’m wondering how old my vagina looks! I enjoyed your post!

  14. Bebe botox. Better make sure you copyright that because I have a feeling it could catapult you into early retirement. I loved it, loved this post.

  15. oh my god. you make me laugh so hard. i feel like if i met you in real life you’d think i had about eight brain cells because i’ll i’d do is laugh at you.
    i love my gyno. she actually is great at making conversation before and after and not a whole ton in between, but enough to make me feel comfortable but not so much that i feel like i have to tell her what i did this summer.

  16. like a library book says:

    My doctor tapes an old calendar photo to the ceiling above the table – as if looking at 1978 rendition of a tropical beach will make me think I’m elsewhere….NOT

  17. During my last annual, we somehow realized that we had stayed in the same hotel and talked about which season it was nice to go to because of the lack of children ruining the resort. And then she asked me about family planning and I was all “I think I made it pretty apparent my position on kids! HA!” And she looked at me like I was a monster and that was that.

  18. Every year on my husband’s birthday I remind him that his balls are so many years old… “Can you believe your balls are 35 years old?… Can you believe that your balls are 36 years old?” In your case, I’d remind you how old your vagina is but that it looks 5 years older! Ha ha! Thanks for making me laugh out loud.

  19. hagan peska dot says:

    OMG!Think of it as a compliment! On the positive side (if there was one at the moment to consul you) Annual exams are something I….I don’t look forward to. Bebe botox….now that was funny!

  20. OMG Mona, you kill me with your blogs sometimes. But I gotta say that this one takes the cake (for now). I think you should take that as a compliment that your pan-kek (as Chamorros say) looks “mature”. I wonder how our they look if when they’re “immature” LOL! Bebe Botox…LMAO!!!

  21. The Introvert says:

    I guess mine is actually younger because my doctor once asked me mid-exam, “Did you know I have to use a child’s speculum on you?” First of all, the idea that such a thing exists skeeves me out. Second, what’s your point?

    Glad I don’t go to that creep anymore.

  22. You doctor won't test you for HPV? That's really dangerous -> because MOST ADULTS GET IT. You can't even get a vaccine for it after age 26. Drrrrrrr. Not only that, but I'm 25 and just found out *I* have it (HPV). If you don't check it annually, it can turn into cancer. Seriously. And women between the ages of 20 and 24 have the highest rates of STDs, especially HPV, so why would they not test for it until your 30??? Believe me I know what I'm talking about.

  23. Well even if your vag is 5 years your senior you should still be checked for HPV. I found out I have it and I am 23. So if it was an insult to you of her thinking you are older.. It doesn’t hurt to get checked anyways. I cant believe a doctor wouldn’t check under 30. isn’t that the point of an annual to do a pap?

  24. Oh man, I feel your pain on the awkward conversation. I once went in and my normal gyno was out and had to have a male gyno for the first time during my annual. At the time, I was a junior in college and mid-exam, the doc started asking me if i knew his friend’s son who went to the same college and if i knew so and so or this professor. It was way creepy. Something about him looking at my vag and asking who i knew just didn’t sit right.

  25. What a story! I hate having the annual pap so much that I don’t even talk while it’s going on. The last time I had one, the doctor tried to put me at ease by starting a conversation until I politely stated that talking during the procedure went against everything that is good. We both laughed, the awkwardness went away (slightly) and then it was done.

    It’s good it happens only once a year, but would be better if it could be done remotely.

  26. aftercancernowwhat says:

    As someone who was at Chuck e. Cheese last night and is supposed to go for an annual next month I say thank you. I think I’ll be laughing through the entire thing wondering how old my vagina looks!

  27. I am 24 years old and at the age of 20 i came up with an abnormal pap. I never got tested for HPV but it was assumed that i had it. Screening under the age of 30 is important. screening for any age after you have begun having sex is important. in a matter of a year my abnormal pap had developed into the stage right before cancer (its defined in stages). i had to go in for surgery. its not a joke. going in for exams sucks and its uncomfortable but extremely important. i had my surgery, got the vaccine and have had normal paps since right before i turned 22.

  28. I was 24, which was only 3 years ago, when I found out that I had HPV. They barely caught it in time. It was turning into cancer, and I have had to be treated for it 4 times since then. I would go back and request the test. You never know. Better safe then sorry.

  29. I can’t believe docs don’t educate you on this. I went in for a pap when I was 22 and it came back fine, but then I didn’t go back to the gyno for three years, and when I came back, all of a sudden I had HPV, and they had to do a biopsy. I was SO FUCKING PISSED, and still am. Had I been educated by ANYONE (hello – like my DOCTOR???) on how easy it is to get HPV, and on how dangerous it is, I NEVER would have gotten it, MARK MY WORDS. I would never have had unprotected sex, or probably not had sex at all (unless I’d gone with whatever guy I was with at the time to a genital warts test – for him obviously – and it came back negative. Do doctors just want money from you from the treatment they give you after you get this dangerous STD? Why did she never talk to me about this?!?! What a fucking bitch. Sorry.

  30. I’ve been told I had a “pretty vagina” during my exam before. IT’S DISTURBING!!! Why do they think this is a compliment? Also, I know my vagina is pretty, I don’t need someone to tell me 😛

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