vampires and robots

You know what I can’t believe? That I didn’t write Twilight. I mean, think about it. It’s a very simple plot: girl loves boy, boy is undead, boy and girl finally admit their love for each other but can’t get freaky deeky until they’re married. I COULD HAVE WRITTEN THIS! Instead, during the time Stephenie Meyer was penning her soft erotic non-erotica, I was finishing up my English degree and writing short-stories under the watch of Pulitzer-prize winning professors. I should have walked out of my narrative theory class, yelling, “EFF THIS MAN! I’M GOING TO WRITE ABOUT VAMPIRES! VEGETARIAN VAMPIRES! THAT’S UNIQUE!”

And in the alumni newsletter, my name would be featured amongst others who had published in the New Yorker or began careers at publishing companies and it would read, “She finally finished her degree after making a bajillion dollars from teens who also shop at Hot Topic and pine for this ideal boyfriend WHO DOES NOT EXIST. Why don’t you invite her over for a Battlestar Galatica marathon, since, you know, you’re already watching it anyway?”

In other news that bugs me, The Killer’s new song, “Human.” Brandon Flowers posits this question in the first line, “Are we human? Or are we dancers?” Don’t get me wrong, I love(d) The Killers’ first album. But this song just reeks of hipsters-in-skinny-jeans philosophy because the last time I checked, dancers were also humans. He should have asked, “Are we humans? Or are we robots?” I could totally get behind robots.

My life would be so much easier if I were a robot, or even half-robot. Some pros: I would super smart, especially at calculating tips (my achilles heel). I wouldn’t have to work out because my cyborg body would be phenomenal, the kind of beauty those mid-90s male R&B groups referred to when they sang, “Girl, you so fiiine!”

If I were a robot I would be able to shield myself from feelings like, I can’t believe that I didn’t write that book and even more puzzling than that, I can’t believe Thanksgiving’s next week!

What are your human plans for Thanksgiving? Are you cooking a turkey? Are you doing the robot?

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  1. Pickles and Dimes says:

    I love that song but hate that line. The fact that it’s a quote from Hunter S. Thompson bugs me even more. God, I’m crabby today.

    For Thanksgiving, I’m responsible for bringing the pies. Notice I said “bringing” vs. “baking.” Also, I don’t like pie. I KNOW.

  2. I’ve actually gotten in to a screaming match with my husband over the Twilight books, how he thinks I can write the next Twilight-esque saga during my maternity leave, and that I’ll strike it rich and never have to go back to work. As if it’s THAT EASY.

    Also, I had the very same thoughts about The Killers’ song “Human.” It’s sort of catchy, but that lyric really throws me off. Yes, yes. Asking if we are robots makes much more sense.

  3. You definately could have written Twilight! Your version would have been SO much better though, you know, with all the hot steamy dirty sex I know you would have included. Nothing worse than a book filled with sexual tension and absolutely NO RELEASE. Can you tell I’m bitter?

    Having a friend over for tday, no turkey here. The meat eaters will be eating pork chops, and I’ll likely be blogging the rest šŸ˜‰

  4. I read the books, enjoyed them (easy reading), going to see the movie (ditching the hubby) but I do not get the absolute foaming-at-the-mouth freakiness that is going on about it all. You will never see me wearing t-shirts proclaiming my preference for Edward. lame.

    I will be bringing the all important Circle Green Jello concoction to the fam’s shindig. And I will be chugging on tons of water to try and abstain from extra potatos and pie this year. Gotta drop those pounds!

  5. thecandyqueen says:

    Funny you should pose this question, really…Now that I’m back in Seattle, I’m resuming the tradition of a big gay 80s dance party Thanksgiving night at Neighbours. I’m sending out an invite soon!

    I was thinking last night that I totally could have invented the Juicy Couture sweatsuit and started to get pissed off too. We just need ONE good idea!

    p.s. try not to read too much about the Twilight movie before Sunday!

  6. I HATE that line! It always bugs me. It also bugs me that the song sounds like a cross between The Police and Richard Marx circa 1983.

    I came up with a Brilliant idea this week – it was going to be my ticket… and then I found out it already exists. Always one step behind!

  7. Or “Are we human, or are we vampires?” Unless vampires are also human? I was thinking not, but suddenly I’m worried about hurting feelings. I mean, vampires USED to be human, but is that BEING HUMAN?


    Where was I?

  8. Yeah, that line is super annoying.

    Turkey day, ditching the giant side of the family for the smaller one, which will be relaxing instead of chaos. I will make pies, pumpkin and apple. And I will be involved in making other things too.

    Love the books, even if they were terribly written, will see the movie, but not in a pre-teen angsty waiting in line way. Maybe when I don’t have to worry about it being sold out.

  9. The Killers have so gone downhill since Hot Fuss.

    Turkey Day: Eating as much as I can stuff my face.

    Calculating tips: just tip 20 percent, get good tip karma and follow my trick (I am seriously math-challenged): Divide by 5. There’s your 20 percent tip. Nearly failproof.

  10. mrs. blogoway says:

    I love the Killers but Brandon Flowers definitely thinks he’s all that. If it makes you feel better, I read his bio one time and he has a fear of the number 621 (not kidding).

    Saw the Twilight movie last night and when it was over Jenn leaned over and said, “well that was dissapointing, not nearly as good as the book” and I said, “I think it was EXACTLY like the book” (mediocre). You could have written the book, I could have written the book. I think even a kid in an English as a Second Language Class could have written it.

  11. Mrs. Blogoway’s comment about the ESL-kid authoring Twilight cracks me up!

    We’ll be driving down to my sister’s in Edmonds where she’s hosting her usual fantastic feast of culinary perfection. We’re bringing wine and also are fixing/bringing the yams. She sent me the recipe to make sure I do those yams right!

  12. I love that song. LOVE IT. My (almost-)three-year-old loves it too and has told me a number of times, “we’re GANCERS, Mommy.” Which, AWESOME, you know? RIGHT ANSWER, Kid.

  13. thanksgiving = sacred in my family. every family member had BETTER figure out a way to make it home, or the Wrath of My Mother is upon you. so.. i’ll be in jersey šŸ™‚

    as a SEVERLY math-challenged individual, i actually use simpler method than willikat: move the decimal point over one place, then multiply the new number times 2. ex: bill is $42.19. decimal moved = $4.20. tip = $8.40. it’s the only way i can do it without using the calculator on my phone.

  14. Is that what Twilight’s all about? I think I’ll wait for your version.

  15. It’s actually “Are we human? Or are we Dancer?” Singular. I love the song, but the singular “dancer” makes my brain cry.

  16. Speaking of robots in music, I think you’ll get a kick out of this band “Captured! By Robots.” Their gimmick is that the singer (yes, human) was abducted by robots and is being forced as a slave to perform in a band of robot musicians.

    Pretty ridiculous.

    Happy Thanksgiving!

  17. You are not the only person I’ve heard of who wondered “why didn’t I just write it?”

    So write.

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