You know what I can’t believe? That I didn’t write Twilight. I mean, think about it. It’s a very simple plot: girl loves boy, boy is undead, boy and girl finally admit their love for each other but can’t get freaky deeky until they’re married. I COULD HAVE WRITTEN THIS! Instead, during the time Stephenie Meyer was penning her soft erotic non-erotica, I was finishing up my English degree and writing short-stories under the watch of Pulitzer-prize winning professors. I should have walked out of my narrative theory class, yelling, “EFF THIS MAN! I’M GOING TO WRITE ABOUT VAMPIRES! VEGETARIAN VAMPIRES! THAT’S UNIQUE!”
And in the alumni newsletter, my name would be featured amongst others who had published in the New Yorker or began careers at publishing companies and it would read, “She finally finished her degree after making a bajillion dollars from teens who also shop at Hot Topic and pine for this ideal boyfriend WHO DOES NOT EXIST. Why don’t you invite her over for a Battlestar Galatica marathon, since, you know, you’re already watching it anyway?”
In other news that bugs me, The Killer’s new song, “Human.” Brandon Flowers posits this question in the first line, “Are we human? Or are we dancers?” Don’t get me wrong, I love(d) The Killers’ first album. But this song just reeks of hipsters-in-skinny-jeans philosophy because the last time I checked, dancers were also humans. He should have asked, “Are we humans? Or are we robots?” I could totally get behind robots.
My life would be so much easier if I were a robot, or even half-robot. Some pros: I would super smart, especially at calculating tips (my achilles heel). I wouldn’t have to work out because my cyborg body would be phenomenal, the kind of beauty those mid-90s male R&B groups referred to when they sang, “Girl, you so fiiine!”
If I were a robot I would be able to shield myself from feelings like, I can’t believe that I didn’t write that book and even more puzzling than that, I can’t believe Thanksgiving’s next week!
What are your human plans for Thanksgiving? Are you cooking a turkey? Are you doing the robot?