The other week, the very funny Patrick from the West Seattle Blog asked me if I would like the invitation his wife, Tracy, received to the grand-opening of the Gucci store in downtown Seattle. I said yes because 1) that’s fancy! and 2) if I turned it down, I would be in serious trouble with the women in my family like my sister who asks me to add Prince Harry as a facebook friend because she wants to find out “if it’s really him!” Like that’s all Harry does, cruise Facebook for young moms in Seattle and their sisters on Saipan who have memorized the whole royal line.
So my best friend Rachel and I primped and prepped ourselves, texting back and forth what we would wear and who would be there. I was more worried about the what if’s of attending an event in a store where I can only afford to ask where the bathroom is. What if they surveyed my outfit and could tell that my credit score’s not perfect, my H&M jacket was on sale and I bought the black sleeveless dress from JC Penney SEVEN YEARS AGO? What if they ask me to buy something and I have to pretend that NO SPEAKA DA ENGLEESSS and flee in my thrift shop Nine West heels? What if they know that my sister owns a Gucci watch that upon closer inspection says GUCGI?
Luckily none of that happened. Handsome young men with coiffed hair carried trays with thumbnail sized appetizers and glasses of champagne. Clusters of beautiful people corked the aisles between shelves of $975 diaper bags and $575 day planners. Everyone wore black. Some women wore fur. A man walked in with a full fox pelt (HEAD AND ALL) over his shoulder. A Leona Hemsley lookalike (with a loooot of work done) laughed loudly, carrying her $17K Birkin bag. I know it’s $17K because of Bag, Borrow or Steal, a site where I can only afford to steal. Not steal as in rent it for the week and then buy, but steal as in, I’d be arrested for grand theft and Nathan wouldn’t get to know his mother because she swiped some stupid PURSE.
I didn’t feel uncomfortable at all because there was no way I could compete with these pearl-adorned women dressed in boots that cost more than my mortgage payment. So I just hung out and people gazed with my best buddy and we laughed at the exorbitant prices for silly things like jelly shoes and cuff links. And I drank some vodka cocktail and then Rachel’s cocktail and then a screwdriver and suddenly I WAS SO CONFIDENT! I COULD BUY ANYTHING IN THE STORE (spread across several credit cards and returned promptly the next day).
After we had enough wading through the beautiful people, we headed out and were given free gift bags with a full bottle of Gucci perfume inside. It’s great because I just ran out of my $12 thimble of perfume I bought from Target. It’s Calvin Klein’s Escape for Women. I just wear it for the name. It reminds me of my time in women’s lock-up.
Thanks again to the West Seattle Blog for making my life more awesome! LUV U 4EVAH. That’s prison-speak. Kind of like LOLspeak, but instead of funny cats, there’s just pain, weeping, and teardrop tattoos.