lying liars who lie

I lied to a group of Mike’s colleagues during a union meeting last Friday. It was during the icebreaker: “Two lies and a truth.” Only, I never know what to say during those situations so I panicked when it was my turn and ended up saying the following:

1) I was in a commercial for a now closed restaurant called Farrell’s, where you could get a pig trough full of ice cream and if it was your birthday, the waitresses would kiss you.

2) I have a picture of a former Washington Governor staring at my chesties. I had just won a medal, so I guess the shiny medallion was alluring?

3) I had two labradors as a kid.

So, I was never in a commercial and I never had any dogs. When Mike heard me say something about two dogs, my two dogs I had never spoken of during our seven years together, he immediately piped up, “SO WHEN DID YOU HAVE TWO DOGS?” I shot him my murderous wifey rage eyes because there’s an unspoken rule that if you hear your beloved talking out of her ass, (picture the south end of a north-facing donkey) you do not call her out. You wait politely until you are back in the secure confines of the car before you say, “That never happened, did it?’

But my husband didn’t do that, so I was left to shoot back, “IT WAS BEFORE YOU KNEW ME!” I bellowed across a table of highly-educated professionals who were looking at me, knowing that I was lying because as teachers, they have to deal with lying liars who lie all the time. Students try to pass off plagiarized papers as their own, falsify doctor’s notes, spin elaborate yarns on why they missed twenty days during the quarter.

And now, as that fleeting moment has long passed, I’ve thought of all these bits that have nothing to do with imaginary pets:

1) I used to have hair so long that I could sit on it.

2) It took me about eight years to finish War and Peace. I don’t remember what happens.

3) I met Levar Burton in Hawaii.

4) I interned for the news station on Saipan when I was 16 and I was allowed to co-anchor the news for three weeks while one of the anchors, Sonya Artero (my first and one of my favorite bosses, ever) went on her honeymoon.

5) I got lost at the Oregon State Fair when I realized the man’s hand I was holding was not my father’s. I cried in a purple mumuu until my father eventually found me, wailing.

6) My dad used to eat McDonald’s French fries in their sweet and sour sauce. To this day, it’s still my favorite fast food combination.

7) My mom taught me how to drive, which explains why I drive like Di and Cher in Clueless when they accidentally
get onto the freeway

8) Speaking of Alicia Silverstone, The Crush is an amazing movie.

9) I hate cilantro. I pick most green bits out from a steaming bowl of pho before I continue.

10) I’m learning to love my body. Like when I get up from my seat on the bus and notice that I’ve left a butt imprint so big you’d mistake it for a dinosaur’s foot, I go, “Whatevah! Dinosaurs ruled the earth!”

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  1. I can’t believe Mike called you out! I really can’t believe it. He must’ve not read the fine print on the marriage license. 🙂 I totally fold under pressure like that and I always think of things after the fact.

  2. i too had a hand holding incident thinking i was holding my dad’s hand coming out of mass from Mount Carmel in Saipan.

    I love your randomawesometies.

  3. OMGOMGOMGOMG. I can’t stop laughing. What a classic marriage moment. And your randoms are great. I once lost my mom in a grocery store, and there was a woman who had the same hair, same shirt on as my mom, and she was abotu the same size. She was bending over a cooler-type thing, looking at meat. I ran right up behind her, grabbed her arm, and said “mom! I lost you!” she turned around, and clearly NEVER HAVING INTERACTED WITH A CHILD EVER, said “i’m NOT your MOM.”
    oh the tears. oh the hysteria. i still get upset thinking about it. incidentally, my wail was my mother’s cue, and she found me quite quickly.

  4. Dude. YES. I love those fried dipped in sweet and sour sauce. I could eat that every day.

    The Crush is more than amazing. I have not seen that in a looooong time. We should watch it.

  5. “there’s an unspoken rule that if you hear your beloved talking out of her ass, (picture the south end of a north-facing donkey) you do not call her out.”

    We were just talking about this last hot topic last night. Hubby and I were with two friends in the car and he mentioned that his work might send him (us) to live in Peru and I got all excited. I was like YEAH, let’s do it. He said he didn’t want to go live there and when I asked him he got all flustered (because Chileans are racist against Peruvians and consider Peru to be a low class place), but he didn’t want to say that so he said…direct quote…”Well, the construction workers throw the people who run the construction sites (his job) into the excavated holes and throw cement and water and mud on them and don’t let them if things aren’t going well.” And I just started laughing hysterically in his face and then he got really mad and said, “You exaggerate ALL THE TIME ( and I never call you out on it!”

    I said, “Yeah, I know, but you were being racist and then you made up the most ridiculous story EVER. You earned this one buddy.”

    But I did feel bad. Next time I won’t call him out in front of our friends. Lesson learned. Hope Mike realized the err of his ways as well.

  6. “Dinosaurs ruled the earth!”
    That is so awesome. I will remember that when I leave a butt imprint (which I guarantee is bigger than yours).

  7. McDonald’s french fries are good with ANYTHING! 🙂

  8. In Alabama they would always look at me and Jill funny when we asked for sweet and sour sauce for our fries. It seems perfectly normal to us!

    O, and didn’t you have a cow as a pet one year and gay cats another year? wow, why do I remember all your pets?

  9. patreesha says:

    It’s genetic!

    I love sweet and sour sauce on fries… I haven’t been to McDonalds in years, but I used to set up little dipping stations of sweet and sour, barbecue, and honey mustard. I was pretty much a giant loser.

  10. I am picturing that scene from Clueless with you playing Cher and your mom playing Dionne. Awesome.

    I also love the comment about dinosaurs ruling the Earth!

  11. At least if you’re ever asked again, you have these things at the ready.

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