I lied to a group of Mike’s colleagues during a union meeting last Friday. It was during the icebreaker: “Two lies and a truth.” Only, I never know what to say during those situations so I panicked when it was my turn and ended up saying the following:
1) I was in a commercial for a now closed restaurant called Farrell’s, where you could get a pig trough full of ice cream and if it was your birthday, the waitresses would kiss you.
2) I have a picture of a former Washington Governor staring at my chesties. I had just won a medal, so I guess the shiny medallion was alluring?
3) I had two labradors as a kid.
So, I was never in a commercial and I never had any dogs. When Mike heard me say something about two dogs, my two dogs I had never spoken of during our seven years together, he immediately piped up, “SO WHEN DID YOU HAVE TWO DOGS?” I shot him my murderous wifey rage eyes because there’s an unspoken rule that if you hear your beloved talking out of her ass, (picture the south end of a north-facing donkey) you do not call her out. You wait politely until you are back in the secure confines of the car before you say, “That never happened, did it?’
But my husband didn’t do that, so I was left to shoot back, “IT WAS BEFORE YOU KNEW ME!” I bellowed across a table of highly-educated professionals who were looking at me, knowing that I was lying because as teachers, they have to deal with lying liars who lie all the time. Students try to pass off plagiarized papers as their own, falsify doctor’s notes, spin elaborate yarns on why they missed twenty days during the quarter.
And now, as that fleeting moment has long passed, I’ve thought of all these bits that have nothing to do with imaginary pets:
1) I used to have hair so long that I could sit on it.
2) It took me about eight years to finish War and Peace. I don’t remember what happens.
3) I met Levar Burton in Hawaii.
4) I interned for the news station on Saipan when I was 16 and I was allowed to co-anchor the news for three weeks while one of the anchors, Sonya Artero (my first and one of my favorite bosses, ever) went on her honeymoon.
5) I got lost at the Oregon State Fair when I realized the man’s hand I was holding was not my father’s. I cried in a purple mumuu until my father eventually found me, wailing.
6) My dad used to eat McDonald’s French fries in their sweet and sour sauce. To this day, it’s still my favorite fast food combination.
7) My mom taught me how to drive, which explains why I drive like Di and Cher in Clueless when they accidentally
get onto the freeway.
8) Speaking of Alicia Silverstone, The Crush is an amazing movie.
9) I hate cilantro. I pick most green bits out from a steaming bowl of pho before I continue.
10) I’m learning to love my body. Like when I get up from my seat on the bus and notice that I’ve left a butt imprint so big you’d mistake it for a dinosaur’s foot, I go, “Whatevah! Dinosaurs ruled the earth!”