My mom’s coming next month and will be staying until the end of May. There are some things that I know to do in preparation for her arrival. First, in every phone call with her until April, I have to tell her that I’ve gained a lot of weight. I tell her that I can’t fit any of my clothing so I just cut a hole in a queen-sized bedsheet, slip it over my head and tie it together with a worn pair of stockings. I also tell her that I have gout and then she screams over the phone, “NOOOOO! JUST WALK! JUST WALK EVERY DAY!” Like a quick jaunt through the supermall will keep my toes from turning black. I don’t know if that’s a side effect of gout, but I like to add that into the details. My hope is that when my mother steps into the baggage claim, she’ll scan my body and say, “You’re not fat! Well, not that fat. Well, okay, just keep walking! Walk fast!”

Other things I can expect during my mom’s stay include but are not limited to:

1. Trips to the mall and asking the guy at Wetzel’s Pretzels if they use yeast (or as she calls it “east”),

2. Visits to Dress Barn and buying me an outfit so I no longer look like a man.

3. Visiting family and friends in the entire state of Washington and northwest quadrant of Oregon. Whenever my mom visits me, phone calls to my house increase exponentially. Somehow all these relatives that haven’t so much as poked me on facebook suddenly want to speak to my mom. I don’t know if this is a particular custom limited to Chamorro women or if it’s just my mother. I usually have this question whenever strange things happen–is this something all mothers do or just my mom? Do other mothers force their preteen daughters to try on clothing OUTSIDE THE DRESSING ROOM and assuage with, “Do it! No one’s watching!”

4. Asking the fish guy at the grocery store if there are any “salmon necks” available. And when he inevitably asks if she means, “Sominex,” like the sleeping medication, I’ll have to say, “No. She means SALMON NECKS.”

If you’re not living at home, how do you prepare for parental visits?

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  1. Fortunately, my parents love $2 Chuck (except that it’s 3 buck chuck here) so we stock up on wine and food and then ply them with food. Also, my mom shows up with white gloves so M is usually cleaning frantically before they arrive. We get E ready with party-tricks. 🙂

  2. Anonymous (I'll email you and tell you who wrote this later) says:

    Do other mothers force their preteen daughters to try on clothing OUTSIDE THE DRESSING ROOM and assuage with, “Do it! No one’s watching!”

    The answer to this question is definitely yes. Although, I have a feeling that maybe in this case we should qualify “other mothers” as a select breed possibly limited to just yours and mine.

    The last time my mom came to visit, in front of ALL my friends…as in EVERY single female friend that I have managed to make over the past three years in a painstakingly slow social process, she casually mentioned, “Oh yeah, so when I got my clit pierced….”

    I mean, I knew she had her nipples pierced, but she hadn’t never mentioned the nether regions before. Then all my friends proceeded to ask her questions about whether or not it enhances sexual pleasure, while I hid in the bathroom and laughed like an insane person.

  3. My parents live close enough that I don’t have to worry about that. My mother-in-law has only been up three times in the 11 years my husband and I have been married. And when those infrequent visits happen, we just have to watch our mouths and make sure we don’t fix dinners with lots of cheese and sour cream (she doesn’t like it). I’ve got it pretty easy.
    I hope you have fun with your mom in town!

  4. My father is preparing for his trip here this summer by searching every day for weight loss and obesity articles so I will be “svelte, and in shape!” when he gets here. You know, never mind that I’ll be 8 months pregnant when he gets here! And I get the walk! go walk! speeches every other day on the phone.

  5. YES. Yes they make children try on clothes outside the dressing room. And yes, I do it now too. People might be watching but I just dont’ care anymore.

  6. you must not forget that trip you are going to make to Krispy Kreme for unglazed original donuts.

    when my mom came to visit me from the PI in 2006, i had no preparations. we picked up where we left off….my teen years. oh was that pleasant.

    Shon’s parents as you know live close by … we have no time to prepare sometimes. Like this evening. They dropped off some corn soup. And indisposed as i am, i had no time to hide my disheveled self. I think they still love me though.

  7. I’m so glad your mom is coming! This is great material. It’s like on Seinfeld… the episodes w/ Jerry’s (or George’s) parents are the best…

    Will you really go to Dress Barn?

  8. My mother-in-law makes pickled radishes. I know she means well, but I just can’t bring myself to eat anything that smells like someone’s ass. Not even for my mother-in-law.

  9. I wanna go to wetzels pretzles with you guys!!

  10. So sweet and funny.

  11. saipangrel says:

    You’ll be fine. Just cook up some stufao and barbque a whole lot. lol
    Take care now!
    —your little one is just the most adorable!


    I like Mrs Blogoway’s comment. =)

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