how now, eyebrow?

I’m on a hunt for a good place to fix the horrible thick cro-magnon strips known as my eyebrows. I’m not fortunate enough to have the kind of wispy body hair that would allow me a few pluck-free days. If I skip two days, the massive stubble looks like I slathered crisco around my brows and then stuck my face in a bowl of black pepper. I started plucking my eyebrows when I was 13 and now, at 26, my nerve endings have practically deadened. Much like my cold, black heart. Sorry, Ryan Gosling and Rachel Adams. You won’t get any tears from me even though that part in The Notebook where you guys make out in the rain is like TRUE LOVE 4 EVA I’M NOT CRYING THERE’S SOMETHING IN MY EYE.

A brief history of my brows:

glamorous

glamorous

The glamor shot was a rite of passage for all the girls I knew. Everyone has this kind of photo tucked in their Lisa Frank photo albums. The soft lighting, the cotton-ball frizz hair and two tons of Maybelline turning my 14-year-old face into a 75-year-old who’s been smoking since birth and stops pressing the “bet max” button at the slot machines long enough to wheeze a, “WHAT DO I HAVE TO DO TO GET A COCKTAIL AROUND HERE?”

I was 15 and my sister Bobbie took this shot. I was using a Japanese eyebrow razor to get my brows in shape. Also, I submitted this pic to become some goth website’s Gothic Babe of the Week, but was rejected. How sad is that, not even a subculture wanted me. You know what always showed me love? Nutter Butters.

needs a teardrop tattoo

needs a teardrop tattoo

I think I was about 20 in this photo. I was at the height of my vanity, mostly because I had just lost 35 pounds and was working the front desk at a fancy gym. I was extremely self-conscious and I spent too much money on fake acrylic nails which were painful to apply, it felt like my fingers were in a vise. But I will forgive myself for the fake tan and drag queen eyebrows because this was a very fragile time where I actually bought a pink Gucci tracksuit on ebay for 70 dollars (!) even though Gucci has never, ever made pink tracksuits.

brows 2K8

brows 2K8

This is how thick my eyebrows were last year, before I panicked that if I didn’t do anything, I wouldn’t be able to see through the massive eyebrow canopy that’d form on my face. I’m sure if geneticists were to dissect my dna, they’d see that I’m a few chromosomes away from being labeled the Modern Day Werewolf.

Have you ever tried threading or waxing? I want to find something that makes me purty and keeps the grocery store clerk from having to decide whether or not to call me sir or ma’am.

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Comments

  1. Waxing is the best!!! And if you get lucky enough to have a super awesome waxer, they massage your temples when they’re done. I actually look forward to getting my brows waxed. Kelly @ Magnolia Nails does an awesome job and an even better temple massage.

  2. I usually have my eyebrows waxed. Call me weird but I like that hot wax feeling and the “damn it hurts so good” pain. It all makes it worth it when you walk out of the salon and feeling like whole woman sans caterpillaring facial hair.

  3. I have had bushy cro-magnon brows pretty much since birth. And my wonderful mom, who waxed her brows into oblivion by age 17, convinced me that I should never do anything to my “BEAUTIFUL BROOKE SHIELDS EYEBROWS.” So, I lived for years with what I refer to as “my black caterpillars,” tentatively plucking a stray hair or two just to keep my hairline from swallowing my face. Then I made friends with a stylist, who took one look at me and said, “Girl, we gotta do something about your eyebrow.” Yes, brow. Singular. She did an awesome wax job, giving me nice Audrey-from-Twin-Peaks arches.

    I’m not always great about the upkeep, but I try. Waxing is my method of choice, either at home or at the salon.

  4. I love waxing, doesn’t bother me a bit (actually I sort of like it). It keeps my brows in order for a few weeks with just minor maintenance from me in between. I prefer the hard wax over the other stuff, I’ve tried both.

  5. I like threading but haven’t been able to find someone in my area who does it. I’ve never been brave enough to wax but might convince myself that a good temple massage will be worth it.

    P.S. My glamour shots are proudly displayed at home.

  6. omfg. that dress has feathers. FEATHERS!

    p.s. I think your brows look fine.

  7. I’m really good at eyebrows and the best mine ever looked were when I was young and vain enough to pluck them myself. I would get this huge, lighted mirror that enlarged my image to about the size of a truck and then pluck my brows into a gorgeous elizabeth taylor shape. I’m not kidding– I would get compliments every where I went.

    Now, many years later I am too tired for the maintanence required for perfect eyebrows and I find myself wandering once a month into the cheap nail salon with questionable hygiene standards where they shout at me before I’m even half way into the room, “you want lip done too?!”

  8. I want to try the threading so bad, so let me know how it goes if you do it.

    I used to wax, but then got tired of the person doing it making fun of how pink and puffy my eyebrows were afterwards. They’re sensitive, OK?!?

    Now I pluck. Not as often as I should, but whatev.

  9. Shirley Eugist says:

    You look incredibly like Imelda Marcos in that glamour shot. And Janeane Garofalo in the second. Much cooler. : )

  10. oh i wish you lived in the bay area! i’d take you to my lady who is AMAZING. she puts this heated blanket on top of you so you instantly relax and she’s so good at putting on aloe and making it feel better. and she does a fantastic job with your brows. she waxes and plucks – i’ve never done the threading thing but i do know some who do and they love it. personally the wax/plux doesn’t hurt *that* bad!

  11. Sorry, can’t help you. I pluck…but if I skip a week or two it’s not a big deal because I wear my glasses most of the time and I don’t have much dark hair (another benefit of being a natural blonde). And I didn’t even do anything to my eyebrows until a few years ago when my beautician sister-in-law insisted it had to be done. Ever since then, I just pluck to maintain.
    Good luck to you…but I think you are gorgeous anyway.

  12. Hi! It’s been awhile. I thought of you when I saw Roxana Saberi’s picture. You remind me of her.

  13. i have the opposite problem–no brows. trust me, you’d rather have too many. if i accidentally grab the wrong hair, i look like i have trichotillomania. and people think i still overtweeze from the melrose place days.
    i have heard threading is the SHIT for people with lots of hair and way less painful than waxing. just a thought.
    however, brows are back in a big way in the beauty world. so don’t you curse them just yet! 🙂

  14. Allison Low says:

    Ya know, to be honest with you, maybe I have bad taste, but, that ‘brows 2k8’ photo of you looks damn good! I don’t think the eyebrows are a problem at all. I know we’re all self-conscious about something, and maybe your eyebrows are what you just-so-happen to focus on… (Not that you need to :o) !)

  15. I have always had big brows. I wax – actually, when I went last time no wax was actually involved – just trimming! Usually she does both but last time they just required a trim. Ugh. Anyway, I’ve been going to Monica Silva for years. I’ve followed her from salon to salon. In fact, I just had my first facial with her and it was great! Here’s her website: http://www.westseattleskincare.com/ She’s in West Seattle downstairs at Belli Capelli – California and Charlestown(?).

  16. Threading is the best…it even gets the tiny hairs you didn’t know were there that waxing and plucking miss.

    And according to my mom I still have one of your glamour pics displayed on my wall back home. I need to have her send it so I can put it up here!

  17. I like brows v. 2008.

    I get my eyebrows waxed. I only get it done every few months, and I pluck in between waxings.

  18. Bossy heard about a Russian woman in New York City who shapes the perfect eyebrows, but then Bossy became terrified of the idea of her. Sounds as though she’ll be in uniform.

  19. Wow–I can’t believe you were only 14 in that picture!

  20. Oh waxing, I love your pain and oh-thats-what-what-feels-like tightness. I’ve been waxing since I was 14 or so (so, 10 yrs), and still go religiously every four weeks. Melissa at the Wax Bar (on 15th in Ballard) is my godsend – never had anyone so patiently talk to me about what I want, how to maintain, and ohGOD she has these little cold rollers she rolls on your face after she waxes and if I ever win the lotto I’m hiring her to just follow me around all day.

    Ahem.

    Try them out, they even have happy-hour brow wax specials ($13? I think?)

  21. Waxing = yay!
    Threading = ?, haven’t tried it although I’ve heard rave reviews.

  22. Threading is the best solution and using razors is the worst.i would definitely recommend Avi at Salon Image Queen Ann

  23. I just got done tweezing mine. . . AGAIN. Which is like a full time job the older I get. I have had them waxed and love how fast and professional they look after – if only the results would last a while longer. Sigh.

    PS – On The Real Housewives of NYC last night, The Countess (soon to be divorced countess, that is) told her daughter that eyebrows could not be too thick. That made me chuckle.

  24. Your eyebrows look gorgeous the way they are now.
    Don’t go for the whole Chola-Latina thin eyebrow type thing, no offense. =)
    All they need is a cleaning.

  25. your eyebrows are normal only in the first picture and the last
    don’t make them too thin, you look too artificial then

    p.s. I don’t do anything to my eyebrows so I don’t have a clue what to advise you 🙂

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