I’m on a hunt for a good place to fix the horrible thick cro-magnon strips known as my eyebrows. I’m not fortunate enough to have the kind of wispy body hair that would allow me a few pluck-free days. If I skip two days, the massive stubble looks like I slathered crisco around my brows and then stuck my face in a bowl of black pepper. I started plucking my eyebrows when I was 13 and now, at 26, my nerve endings have practically deadened. Much like my cold, black heart. Sorry, Ryan Gosling and Rachel Adams. You won’t get any tears from me even though that part in The Notebook where you guys make out in the rain is like TRUE LOVE 4 EVA I’M NOT CRYING THERE’S SOMETHING IN MY EYE.
A brief history of my brows:
The glamor shot was a rite of passage for all the girls I knew. Everyone has this kind of photo tucked in their Lisa Frank photo albums. The soft lighting, the cotton-ball frizz hair and two tons of Maybelline turning my 14-year-old face into a 75-year-old who’s been smoking since birth and stops pressing the “bet max” button at the slot machines long enough to wheeze a, “WHAT DO I HAVE TO DO TO GET A COCKTAIL AROUND HERE?”
I was 15 and my sister Bobbie took this shot. I was using a Japanese eyebrow razor to get my brows in shape. Also, I submitted this pic to become some goth website’s Gothic Babe of the Week, but was rejected. How sad is that, not even a subculture wanted me. You know what always showed me love? Nutter Butters.
I think I was about 20 in this photo. I was at the height of my vanity, mostly because I had just lost 35 pounds and was working the front desk at a fancy gym. I was extremely self-conscious and I spent too much money on fake acrylic nails which were painful to apply, it felt like my fingers were in a vise. But I will forgive myself for the fake tan and drag queen eyebrows because this was a very fragile time where I actually bought a pink Gucci tracksuit on ebay for 70 dollars (!) even though Gucci has never, ever made pink tracksuits.
This is how thick my eyebrows were last year, before I panicked that if I didn’t do anything, I wouldn’t be able to see through the massive eyebrow canopy that’d form on my face. I’m sure if geneticists were to dissect my dna, they’d see that I’m a few chromosomes away from being labeled the Modern Day Werewolf.
Have you ever tried threading or waxing? I want to find something that makes me purty and keeps the grocery store clerk from having to decide whether or not to call me sir or ma’am.