This weekend my gum was feeling sore, an ache that continued until Tuesday morning when I woke up and my face looked like this:

fat face

fat face

Yesterday I had an emergency dentist appointment where I was told that I needed a root canal and crown. I don’t understand why I can’t get dentures now. I mean, if I had dentures, I could have straight teeth, or better yet, a blinged-out grill. Plus, I’m already into older men so this would give me a conversation starter with the grandpas while I cruise the ICU. They don’t call it The Greatest Generation for nothing!

I was also prescribed some powerful antibiotics and pain meds to deal with the swelling. I don’t think I’ll finish the Vicodin before my next appointment because I cannot handle anything stronger than Tylenol. I tried taking a pill yesterday, half one hour and another half a while later and waves of nausea washed over which is always what happens. I frequently overestimate how hardcore I am like the time I took a percocet while I was at the Iowa Writer’s Workshop and spent an afternoon feeling Trainspotting queasy. This is sad because Intervention is the only reality show I have any chance of being cast. I thought about Rock of Love Bus, but I would definitely be the girl Brett eliminates right away with, “I don’t think you can handle this rock and roll lifestyle. Or fit into non-maternity pants.”

When my husband, the man I married and who sired my firstborn, saw my face, he shared a series of observations on his wife’s swollen and painful situation:

“It looks like the right side of your face is storing nuts for winter.”

“It looks like the right side of your face is pregnant.”

“You look like a Picasso painting.”

“You got sucker punched with a left hook.”

“Your right side is retaining water.”

“It looks like the right side of your face is amassing troops for a D-Day invasion of the left side of your face.”

HA! I am going to file these gems under “I MARRIED YOU…WHY?!” It doesn’t bother me though because this is the same man who thinks that this bathing suit at Costco is sexy:

no no no no

no no no no

There are so many things wrong with this. LIKE THE PRINT. I don’t think leopard print is suitable for anyone not already living in a gated community or hosting Cabana Chat. This is why I don’t trust my wonderful husband with clothing choices. One time he came back from a conference in Austin, TX convinced that I would look hot with a bandana tied around my neck and a t-shirt tied at the corner. I had to remind him that I DON’T WORK AT COYOTE UGLY.

I am happy that I’m married to him though because I would hate to be dating right now and explain that I didn’t just go through face transplant surgery and sorry I threw up so much at dinner, I’m as sensitive to drugs as a newborn, but don’t worry, my boobs are as perky as an 80-year-old’s! Get in line fellas!

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  1. Shirley Eugist says:

    I love Cabana Chat! I’m Dixie Wetsworth! You like? I LIKE!

  2. You husband is awesome. He could by my hub’s twin šŸ™‚

  3. I hope you feel better soon- that looks painful!

  4. OUCH Mona. I am the same kind of wuss about narcotics. It makes it hard to keep up appearances.

  5. rachelgab says:

    And you really look like Nathan in that picture!!

  6. I hate to be laughing *AT* you, but sorry, funniest thing I’ve read all week. Your husband is awesome. MEAN and awesome. Also that swimsuit is hideous. You need to be an old leathery white woman living in a retirement village in Florida to justify that thing.

  7. Jennifer says:

    Same, same same here about painkillers. Aspirin is about as strong as it gets for me. They gave me Darvon (I’m not sure they even prescribe that anymore) for wisdom teeth and I puked that up within 2 hours – before it even took effect! Same with percocet for migraines, I puked ’em up and the headache got worse.

    So stick to icepacks on your swollen face, and I hope it all shrinks back to normal soon! Getting that root canal out of the way will have you on the mend!

  8. Jennifer says:

    p.s. I get all my swimsuits (lycra racing style) from Speedo and I’m pretty sure they’ve never done a zebra-striped print. (wouldn’t leopard-print be spots? which one is that?)

    I’m cracking myself up at the image of someone in the Olympics swimming with that suit.

  9. my GOD you make me laugh.
    that said, i’m so sorry, that looks pure AWFUL. and to not even be able to enjoy narcotics… that’s sad. hope you feel better soon!

  10. Ouch.

    But the “storing nuts for winter” crack was pretty good.

  11. That suuucks you can’t handle the good stuff. That is the only thing I am looking forward to when I get my wisdom teeth pulled. My face is already a bloaty mess so the puffiness won’t show…
    I hope you feel better soon!

  12. This blog entry made me laugh so I hard I had tears in my eyes. You’re hilarious Mona, always good for at LEAST a smile šŸ™‚

  13. Lisa Sistah Friend says:

    I was just laughing so hard at this post, I called Howie over and he was laughing out loud with me and said, “man, Mona is funny.” Sorry about your mouth! Poor thing! The comment about the non-maternity pants is the funniest thing I have read in a very long time, hilarious! I also loved your post about drawing WANGS on your brain age and getting 68. HA! You are too funny Mona, and for this I adore you! Sorry I haven’t called you back yet, b-day party craziness. Tomorrow is mine, 31! Yikes.

  14. Yowza! I have nothing witty to say. I hope the swelling has gone down.


  1. […] fast forward a few years, when my face explodes and I find a dentist who is not only fully covered by my paltry insurance, but turns out to be the […]

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