pregnant women are smug

I was walking up the stairs and kept hearing a tick, tick, tick with each one of my steps. When I stopped, the sound would stop. The irritating ticks kept echoing in my trail and suddenly, my brain jolted with the horror: IS MY ASS CLAPPING? HAVE I BECOME THAT FAT? Luckily, the snaps of my back pockets hadn’t shut, so it was just the metallic snaps tapping against each other, not my body morphing into Rasputia.

I don’t have pregnancy insomnia, I can fall asleep. Even though I toss and turn, complain that it’s TOO HOT. My pregnancy has interrupted my sleep, though. I have been waking up at 3 in the morning when there’s nothing to watch on TV other than infomercials about poop or some show about how a woman didn’t know she was pregnant and had to give birth in the forest. I hate those shows. I have enough fear and worry in my daily life that I don’t need to be bothered by what will likely be my fate: delivering in the Target clearance section. It’s like, labor isn’t traumatic enough, producers have to find these rare stories of women who didn’t even see it coming and are wondering why the Indian food buffet isn’t agreeing with them.

I haven’t taken any pics of my bulging belly but I figure I have about two or three weeks before my pregnancy shape sets in and I don’t just look bloated. So who wants to go to ladies night at the bar with this hot mama? It’s naughty school girls night but don’t worry, I’ll pass on the mechanical bull. That’s a third trimester feat.

My mom doesn’t get my sense of humor, especially when it comes to food. The other night I joked that my pregnancy was going great, especially since I started drinking coconut milk straight out of the can. She screamed, “Noooooo! THE CHOLESSSSTEROL!” but I said in my defense, “Well, what else am I going to wash down some pork belly with?”

I know it’s the politically correct thing to say that I don’t care if it’s a boy or girl; I just want a healthy baby. But I’m not going to lie. I want a girl. A little girl in my image who will grow up and compete in speech and debate and attend Junior Statesmen of America. None of this princess frou frou pink fairyland crap. And it is utter crap. I don’t even know why I have become so anti-glittery-Daddy’s-Girl-t-shirts, maybe it’s because there many choices for girl’s clothing and yet, I am faced with a world of ugly cheap pink overload and nipple tassel shirts (!) for a child who could also very likely be a boy. Which would be fine. Boys look good in pink.

And finally, the truth:

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Comments

  1. Oh dear lord, clapping ass and a smug pregnant women song…you have made my day!

  2. Giving birth in the Target clearance section??? AWESOME.

  3. God that song is sooo true. ๐Ÿ™‚

    As far little girls go, you’re going to have to look past Target clearance if you want to find something other than what you described for girls clothing!

  4. That video seriously made my day. My week, even.

    I didn;t think I wasted the pink girly stuff either, but Emily’s making me do it ๐Ÿ˜‰

  5. I’ve been waking up at 3am and not able to go back to sleep either. I’ve been worrying excessively about very specific things around possibly moving to Vancouver BC next year for graduate school. When I give up trying to sleep I’ve been watching reruns of “Three’s Company,” and then once the Hair Club infomercials start, I turn it over to dog training shows on Animal Planet.

    Anyway, perhaps you can replace my previously pregnant Heathyr as my new insomniatic-chat-partner-du-jour!

  6. I have no shame about wanting a girl too. I tell people that I’d love a girl, but obviously I’ll love a boy too. Just maybe a little less than I would a little daughter (Kidding! Maybe.)

  7. Thank Goodness I work at a humor Web site and laughing at work is normal… Still, everyone wanted to know what it was that was causing me to laugh so hard out loud. Thank you ๐Ÿ˜€

  8. Yes, I am so not into baby pink and baby blue. If I am having a girl I don’t want anything that says princess or angel or daddy’s girl. And if I have a boy, I don’t want everything to have sports or trains or cars on it. I think I will put either gender in dinosaurs and robots and guitar t-shirts

  9. Um, hi, that video is SO AMAZING.

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