My husband and I have never watched a horror movie together. Our movies usually include but are not limited to: 1) a bomb that needs to be dismantled or everyone will die 2) white collar crime, like stealing office supplies, 3) Bruce Willis in ANYTHING and 4) explosions. Mike can’t watch scary movies because he says they give him bad dreams, and if he wanted to be scared, he’d look at his checkbook.
It’s a little sad that a movie genre I grew up with and wholehearted love can’t be shared with the man I married. But then again, I don’t share his love of football. I don’t ever get in the way of this, it’s just I’m not wired to figure out what’s going on so I just sit next to him while he’s watching and browse The Sports Cliche List until I say something right. Most of the time I’m way off, like the other week when I said, “That Edgerrin James is a leader both on and off the field!” And Mike turned to me and answered, “Oh really? He’s a leader? He just joined the team three weeks ago.” Another time, I made some random out-of-my-ass comment that the Baltimore Ravens’ playing has really suffered this year because they lost their star running back and Mike retorted, “That’s interesting you say that because they’re undefeated this season and they lost their running back to free agency three years ago.”
Last night I went out with my friend E., who is new to Seattle, so I thought we would have fun at a comedy show, since Seattle is supposed to be really funny, right? I mean, it’s a city full of socially awkward people who perfect their funny quips before they log off Facebook.
We went to Giggles for their showcase of some local comics, some of whom were very funny and others WERE NOT FUNNY. There was a girl who was good, but told THE OLDEST JOKE, the one about how she went to a seafood restaurant and instead of “men” and “women” on the bathroom signs, there were signs for squids and marlins. There was another comic worse than that, this guy who took first place at a Seattle comedy competition and told the crowd to boo the host because he wasn’t right there to introduce him, plus he yelled after the poor guy, “And how far did you get in that contest I won? Loooooser!” I thought, what kind of panel of judges would actually award this asshat an award for anything other than a hot buffalo wing eating contest or a bet to see how long someone can go without feeling a woman’s touch? He continued with terrible jokes about “happy ending” massages that weren’t to his liking and eating pizza alone and I thought, “This, my dear sir, is why you are single. Plus, you look like you get sweaty when you eat something spicy.” The whole time he was on stage I kept thinking where the nearest movie theater was so we could go erase this memory with something better like Paranormal Activity.
After the show was over, we did watch Paranormal Activity, which was a good movie but I kept thinking how Mike wouldn’t like it because Bruce Willis isn’t in it, the couple in the movie were sharing the same blanket every night and never changed the sheets and some stupid teens in the audience were not using their INSIDE VOICES even though people kept telling them to shut it which of course they didn’t. Even outside they yapped to each other that it was a true story and I had to keep from yelling at them, “STAY IN SCHOOL, KIDS!”
And something not as scary, but still suspenseful is this action-packed video of Nathan trying to eat a spoonful of ice cream, but that success hinges on his father’s mercy: