pregnancy: the truth is not out there

I was at girls night yesterday, complaining about how I hate that scene in Knocked Up when Katherine Heigl’s character is giving birth and one of the stoner roommates walks into the delivery room and runs out because he sees her vagina.

My problem with that scene is THAT IS NOT WHAT A VAGINA LOOKS LIKE. That was a stunt vagina, a vagina double, a vagina whose porcelain unstreched exterior could negotiate a reasonable day rate. A vagina that probably has a SAG card (heh). And yet millions of childfree men and women saw that scene and downloaded that image and now believe that is the delivery room deal.

Granted, I had a skewed view of pregnancy when I was growing up. My mother would send me on errands with the instruction, “Go to the store BUT DON’T GET PREGNANT.” Like pregnancy was on aisle 6, next to the soups and pasta and it’s on sale.

In the third grade I watched this Cinemax-style movie called The Unborn. All these women went to some nutjob fertility doctor and became pregnant with murderous pyschic babies who killed the men and partners. From the womb! That movie is not an accurate representation of pregnancy. I mean, there wasn’t even a birthing plan, other than MURDER.

There are so many shows now that depict pregnancy as being a ho-hum (emphasis on HO) experience, like TLC’s A Baby Story with the delivery nicely edited and packaged so you can make chicken tacos in the kitchen because nothing will happen until it’s 20 minutes into the program. And even then, there are three or four pushes, a few shots of a red faced woman, and suddenly a baby! No yelling, speaking in tongues or gripping of the husband’s/partner’s arm until it’s squeezed off. No mother walking in and making some comment that it looks like two chinchillas fighting in there. Especially chinchilla analogies!

I get it that pregnancy isn’t glamorous, birthing isn’t sexy. It’s hard to feel sexy when you have a hemmorhoid so huge you can claim it as a dependent (even though Turbo Tax’s live chat person doesn’t agree with me!). It’s not like I can start a revolution, I’m just one large pregnant woman who knows too much.

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Comments

  1. Agreed! TLC needs to stop it with the glossed off birth stories. Imagine my surprise when I actually gave birth…and it hurt! My husband too! At least the nurses give the women some meds for their lady-business pain. But the spouses / partners? They’re on their own with their broken hands and souls.

  2. That’s not what a vagina looks like??? well damn! i always shut my eyes during that scene cause it looks so painful but you’re telling me it’s WORSE than that? shit.

  3. HAHAHA!!! Yeah, they do make it look a little too easy, don’t they?

  4. I can’t relate. I had two C-sections. But the first one was after an entire day of contractions…*sigh*
    Something you don’t hear about is the recovery after a C-section. So long…so painful…But I guess it doesn’t make good TV.

  5. I was glad when TLC started doing the follow up birth stories that showed the household dynamics with baby at home.

    I was disappointed when none of the women had baby blue nervous breakdowns. Not that I would know anything about that. Ahem.

  6. First: Oh, how right you are re: the vagina scene. For that reason alone, that movie sucks.

    But there is a truth out there, unfortunately. A COLD, HARD truth that scares the living shit out of every first-time parent. The birthing classes? The videos there? Did you ever go to those? Awful and actually worse than what I went through, which was 36 hours of labor, 2.5 hours of pushing, forceps, episiotomy, PPD, the whole damn thing.

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