38 week special

I started wearing my centuries-old Nike shox because I’ve stopped having searing pain when they’re on. I had been wearing a pair of black flats which apparently had the support of a concrete floor. I told the doctor at this week’s appointment about this and she said, “That’s strange.”

And in my habit of thinking of responses long after a situation has passed, I regret not asking for clarification–if a doctor calls your situation strange, is she implying that I could be on TLC?! My show would be sandwiched between the 600-lb Virgin and Woman with the World’s Biggest Legs, only it would be called, “Pregnant Woman Switches to Shoes With More Support, Has Epihany. Sorry We Had to Replace Jon & Kate with SOMETHING.”

The doctor measured my stomach and I asked how large TJ would be. She said he would probably weigh about 7.5 lbs, about a pound smaller than Nathan when he was born. Then she said, “You do have a long torso, so a lot of baby can hide in there.”

I breathed a sigh of relief when she didn’t order an ultrasound right then because in addition to a baby, I am also harboring a Cisco Network Server, fancy paper shopping bags, a pound of Starbucks houseblend coffee (whole beans), and the planning committee for the next Democratic National Convention.

Then she asked if I wanted to check how dialated I was and since my ankles were up by my ears, she knew she didn’t have to ask twice. She did the ASL sign for “fish” with her hands while the rest of her body undulated in moves I’ve only seen on the episode of Sex and the City when Carrie and Charlotte take an African dance class. She wasn’t my regular doctor so I didn’t feel comfortable asking if she should really be elbow-deep because that seemed a little much, you know?

She said I wasn’t dilating and extracted her arm from my lady parts. She said I’ll likely make it to March 30, my due date which just gives me enough time to complete my play: “Small Cervix, Clown Car Vagina: A Musical of Hope.”

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  1. Good luck! I believe in you!

  2. LOL!!!!

  3. I can’t wait to hear the musical šŸ™‚

  4. If you are writing a play about clown car vajayjays, don’t forget to feature The Duggars.

  5. I’m so excited for us both to have our babies!!!!

  6. LORD the image of her shimmying and wiggling before stuffing her arm up your lady bits was hilarious.

    I love how you turn something so normal, “I went to the doctor for a checkup,” and turn it into something hilarious.

  7. You crack me up. Adn isn’t it funny that we (moms with feet by our ears) feel uncomfortable asking a question when they’re the ones up to their elbows in the lady parts? So true.

  8. How exciting! Sorry that you have to wait. šŸ™‚

  9. I’d much much much much much watch a Mona special than John and Kate!

  10. i hope you’re hanging in there! sending you positive thoughts!

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